Seventeen Month LID Anniversary

No matter how long we wait, we seem to be stuck in this weird Groundhog Day-like existence where our referral is always about a year away. Today I'm in a slightly optimistic mood and I'm predicting a possible referral as early as March or as late as June. Perhaps we've broken the spell?

Congratulations to all the parents who are getting to see the faces of their children. I love Referral Time!!

Where Is Ariel?? She's Home!!!!!

Scooters in Italy are what bicycles are in China!




Swinging on a park in Italy. A Ferrari tire, perhaps?






"Ahhh, the gelato was so good I had to sit down!"














How cute! (And those Smart Cars are cute, too!)

Update!

Thanks to everyone for helping this baby's surgery funded. I'm thrilled to report the money was raised and she'll be getting her first surgery this week. I'll keep you posted.

Where in the world is Ariel?

Ariel is in Italy with her sperm donor... er, biological father. He doesn't spend much time with her during the year. He doesn't help with homework or drive her places she needs to go. He's too busy doing important things like directing television. He does, however, sweep her off to Italy for adventure (if I sound sarcastic and resentful it's because I am). Right now Ariel is having lots of fun seeing the sights, shopping, and practicing her Italian. I'm thrilled for her but I miss her.

I really miss her.

David and I changed the SIM card in her phone and made it local to Italy, so she can make and take calls from her cell phone at local Italian rates. I don't know if that's possible for China but we plan on finding out.

Ciao for now.

16 month LID anniversary

Sweet sixteen? Hardly! Thinking optimistically, and cautiously, we believe have more time behind us in this wait than we do ahead of us.

And congratulations to all the families who are receiving referrals this week!! I'm thrilled for you all. Envious (I admit it!!) but very happy for you.

Why Can't People Be Nice?

I posted this on RQ (yes, I am a lapsed addict but only to post on the "blowing off steam" column) and got so many positive and supportive responses that I thought I'd post it here, too. In case you've had a similar experience, you are not alone!!

I'm acquainted with a woman who adopted a precious baby from China about 2.5 years ago. She waited six months for her daughter. I run into her every few months and she always asks how things are going with the adoption. Last time I told her what the CCAA said in Australia about the wait increasing to 36 months.

She smiled (SMILED!!!) and said, "Oh, it will never go that long." (very condescending tone, too)

I said, "It took about four months just to get through October and November is bigger. The last two referrals have been for six days and two days respectively."

She said, "Where are you getting your information?" (said somewhat arrogantly)

I told her I'm on various sites on-line and very much aware of what was going on in the Chinese adoption community. The whole time I had this horrible feeling of having to DEFEND myself.

Then she said, "Well, it definitely won't go that long, but when you get your daughter you won't even remember the wait." (smugly)And then she scooped up her daughter and left.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I felt so helpless and so dismissed. She completely invalidated my feelings about the wait, and even dismissed the idea that it is growing to ridiculous lengths each month.

Is it too much for someone to say, "Wow, I'm sorry you are having to wait so long. That must be really tough."

Seriously. What is up with this kind of insensitivity? I expect more from people who've been on this rollercoaster and it seems particularly egregious when they let me down and seemingly have no sympathy or even understanding.

Just my personal rant. Thanks for listening!

contemplating conspicious consumption

With rumors flying about referrals through mid-November, I'm allowing myself the luxury of pondering some baby-related purchases. As in, maybe... starting... to possibly... consider that these items may one day, in the future (mid-2008??) be part of our daily lives. Here's my wish list. I'm in love with Stokke products. These photos don't quite do justice to the real thing, both of which are way cool.

This baby needs help!

Look at that face and that smile! This adorable three month baby girl needs surgery that can help her live a normal, healthy life. We just donated to her surgery fund and hope that you will also donate to Love Without Boundaries to help her or one of the many other children who are in need of medical help. You can read more about her here or at the Love Without Boundaries website. It does not take a lot of money to make a huge difference in a child's life. If everyone who visited this site last week gave $20, the surgery would be paid for.

I hesitated to use our site as a way to solicit donations, ultimately felt it was the right thing to do. Thanks for helping!

15 Month LID Anniversary

Whoo-hooo. Or is it, boo-hoo?

We are anticipating our referral in ten months. We've basically been saying this the entire time we've been waiting. No matter how much time passes, we are still ten months away from referral, a year away from welcoming Kavanna into our family. It's like some surreal Twilight Zone episode.

I decided not to put my life on hold. I just applied to a doctoral program that starts in September. Watch, the speed-up will happen just as I'm about to start classes (presuming I get accepted, that is!).

Change is good

When Ariel was nine years old she went through a goth stage (yes, she's always been ahead of her time) and I let her dye her hair blue. Just my personal belief, but think it's good for kids to express their individuality. As long as it's not a permanent thing like a tattoo, no harm done. She also got the goth thing out of her system early. A few weeks ago we saw a punked-out teenager at the mall and Ariel whispered to me, "Been there, done that... when I was ten!" When she's a teenager she'll probably rebel by doing something really radical, like...

Become a Republican! (a la Alex Keaton in Family Ties, if anyone remembers that old show)

She recently decided to color her hair a deep red. Here's the result. Now her hair fits her feisty personality!!

What will she look like?

Hi, my name is Nina and I am NOT addicted to the China Adopt Talk site. Yes, I have conquered my addiction to the Rumor Queen. It is just not healthy for me to be on that site. Reading the posts causes anxiety, depression and triggers feelings of helplessness. Basically, RQ is bad for my emotional health and I've gone cold turkey. You know how addictions have a tendancy to transfer? There's a joke that AA meetings are filled with chain-smoking people drinking cup after cup of coffee or post-bariatric patients get addicted to shopping. Well, I've transfered my addiction as well: I am now addicted to family adoption websites. I can spend hours on My Adoption Website or The Story of You (see sidebar for link at your own risk!). It got me wondering what Kavanna will look like, what part of China will she be from, what will her temperment be... and of course, WHEN WILL WE MEET HER? (Ooops, I digress. Clearly I'm still suffering from post-RQ emotional trauma.) Kind of like any pregnancy... you think about your baby... this is just a different kind of pregnancy, which someday will be over. Talk about overdue!!

Fourteen Month LID Anniversary

Yesterday, April 6th, was our fourteen month LID anniversary. The CCAA will likely only refer two days of referrals this month. This is the worst referral cycle in memory. Or history? I'm giving up my hope that we'll be in China in December. At this point, I'm just hoping to get there before Ariel goes to college. And she's thirteen.

Agghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Mac Attack!

Well, after a lifetime of being loyal to PC, we have gone to the other side. Apple, that is. Mac. One of the cool things about it is the photo booth. Ariel and I made the best of that feature! We can't wait to be posting photos from China!!

updating profile

So, I need to post this photo to the blog in order to create a link for a new profile photo. The current one we have is a year old and I hate my hair in that photo. Yes, there it is, I'm confessing total cyberspace vanity. This is a better hair photo and therefore worthy of public viewing.

Changing blogger photos is suddenly much more important than cleaning the mountains of dog hair that appeared overnight in our home. Seriously, my dog's shedding hair could fill a king-size mattress in a matter of hours. I hate cleaning up dog hair. Hence, the sudden obsession with changing the profile.

Is it wrong to hate cleaning dog hair but also long to change diapers? I mean, really LOOK FORWARD to changing diapers?

Happy, happy day

Our homestudy update is (almost complete). YAYYYYYYY!!!! We were dreading it, as we mistakenly thought we'd have to do a whole new paperchase from the beginning. Turns out that's not the case. We sent copies of all our forms to the USCIS plus a hefty check (I've gotten used to those hefty checks - between the adoption and the bat mitzvah, we're parting with some serious moolah), and our social worker came to do the homestudy update and that's it. We have our physicals next week but aside from that, we're done.

Does a little voice in my head worry about the physicals? Am I afraid to "count my chickens"? As a self-diagnosed hypochondriac I confess I'm always worried about what might happen. So far, all that worry has gotten me nothing but post-stay-up-all-night-worrying fatigue. I'm trying a new tactic: only worry when there's something to worry about.

What a concept! So for now, I'm happy.

We figure we'll see Kavanna's face in about seven months. Seems like it's eons away. And it also seems as if it's right around the corner.

The face of Judaism

All my life people have told me I don't look Jewish. I always borrow from Gloria Steinham and tell them, "This is what Jewish looks like." (When Gloria Steinham was 40 years old people were amazed at how great she looked and she famously said, "This is what 40 looks like.") Even other Jews buy into the stereotype: when I took my blonde haired and blue-eyed daughter to visit my grandmother at the Jewish Home for the Aged, lots of people asked my grandmother if I had been adopted (hmmmm, ironic in retrospect).

The reality is, I am the face of Judaism. And so is the girl pictured above, Cecelia Nealon-Shapiro, celebrating her bat mitzvah recently. She was born Fu Qian in a Chinese province and was once of the first American children adopted from China. You can read more about her story in a recent New York Times article.

We're preparing for Ariel's bat mitzvah in a couple of months. In 12-13 years we'll be preparing for another one, for our Jewish Chinese daughter, who along with her blue-eyed sister will sustain the traditions of thousands of years. Today we got an appeal from our synogogue to help sponsor Ethiopian Jews in Israel.

My grandmother passed away when Ariel was a baby, so she'll never get a chance to meet Kavanna. If I could do it over again, I'd tell her cohorts at the Home for the Aged that Judiasm has no color. Cecelia Nealon-Shapiro is proof of that. So are the Ethiopian Jews. So am I. And so is Ariel.

I loved reading Cecelia's story. It is the story of love, of identity, and in a way it is the story of all Americans.

Have great weekends, everyone.

Double Happiness

Seriously, how cute??

13 Month LID Anniversary

13 months LID... wow... It's also the 18 month anniversary since we officially started this process (GWCA formally accepted us on September 6, 2005).

I haven't been posting as much, lately. Partly because I've been very busy with my private practice and planning Ariel's bat mitzvah. Partly because I've had a crisis of....hmmm, what do you call it if you're a secular person... a crisis of faith? Belief? Trust?

I've debated whether or not to post on the site, but maybe I'm not the only one who's experienced these feelings. Either way, I'm putting it out there into cyberspace. Last week I was gripped by a sudden and overwhelming fear. Our life is basically perfect as it is... we have an amazing daughter, professions that are meaningful, time to write (our creative outlets)... what if adding another child messes everything up? What if instead of adding to our lives, she sucks the life out of us? What if we're making a terrible mistake?

I felt stuck. Scared. Horrified by these thoughts, even as I knew I had to explore them.

After talking with David and really thinking about it, I recognized these fears for what they are: normal. I remember having the same worries when I was pregnant with Ariel. Now, when I look at her, when we talk, when I consider how my universe opened up the moment she was born, how I can't actually remember what life was like before her... I can only smile at my fears.

So now I'm feeling more balanced about everything, looking forward to Kavanna's arrival (when??) but recognizing that it's okay to feel a spectrum of feelings about adding to our family.

Whew, what a rollercoaster ride.

Awwww....

As a member of the "Precious Pandas" I thought I'd start sharing more panda photos... How cute is this one??!!

We saw our friends Dee and Damien today. Their daughter Amy has been home with them for two months. She's absolutely precious!! We can't wait for playdates later this year (thinking very optimistically).

Ladybug Sighting!

As I was crossing a parking lot last Thursday, something flew into my eye and started fluttering around my eyelashes. This was quite a feat, as I was wearing sunglasses at the time. I blinked, took off my shades, and swatted the offending bug off my eye.

It fell to the ground. For some reason I glanced over and saw... it was a ladybug!! It flew off immediately.

Ladybugs are probably just a sign of Spring... but Spring is a time of renewal and of babies (at least for all the bunnies and ducks in our neighborhood), so I took it as a hopeful sign that Kavanna is on her way.

February 6 - One Year LID Anniversary

Our first year anniversary of our LID was February 6th. So why am I writing about it three days later? Well, the truth is that this momentous day came and went with barely a passing thought. At one point I said, "Hey, you know what day it is?"

David sighed. "Yeah. One year."

We nodded in unison. I said, "Can you believe it?"

We just left it at that. We weren't in a mood to... well, what does one do for this day? Celebrate? We didn't feel much like celebrating. Yeah, it's a milestone and yes, each day brings us closer to Referral Day and travel to China. That's good, I guess.

The truth is, we just weren't too excited about this anniversary. We acknowledged it and moved on with our lives.

Kind of sums up how life has been in this long wait. We probably have another eight months before referral, and that's if we're lucky. We're committed to being in the moment, and not living for the future. Right now, that feels right.

Not sure how I got to this zen place or how long I'll stay here. Next cappuccino will probably change everything!!

WHOO-HOOOOO, OUT OF REVIEW!!!

Congratulations to all the families who got referrals - and to those of us who are FINALLY out of the Review Room!! What a relief!

Panda Madness!

I can't remember the last time I was so knocked out by a flu bug (thanks to everyone for the nice messages). I'm knocked out in a different way by these adorable pandas! Enjoy the unbelievable cuteness!!

Cyber Chicken Soup

I'm a walking commercial for Nyquil. Coughing, stuffy head, running nose, sore throat, achy muscles and miserable. Plus laryngitis. Ugh. Chicken soup is supposed to have magical healing properties and I am in need of a few gallons.

LID Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to us. David says, "This is one anniversary I hope never to celebrate again."

On the other hand, each day brings us a little closer.

On the other hand, it still sucks.

Looking on the bright side, I'm just happy that we have four months of LIDs ahead of us and not fifteen. Yeah, I'm a half-full kind of person. I'm working harder on it than usual, though.

Congratulations to everyone who recently got a referral. What a wonderful way to start off the year!

Is this your daughter?

This is "Frances", the baby we have sponsored through Love Without Boundaries since last May. She was born November 2, 2005 in the Laibin province and has been in foster care most of her life. Recently we were told that she had been adopted. We'd love to let her family know what a joy it's been for us to follow her journey to her forever family. She's a delightful and beautiful baby, and we will always hold a place for her in our hearts. If she is your daughter and you feel comfortable, please email us and say hello.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year from our family to yours!!!!!!! Whether this is the year you meet your daughter in China, or this is a year of waiting and anticipating, we wish you much peace and joy. Happy 2007!!

Movie Madness

Recently someone asked me, "What do Jewish people do at Christmas?" Well, assuming that Chanukah is over (or Hanukah - hey, no wonder we have so much division in our people; we can't even agree on the spelling of this holiday!) there is just one thing to do: go to the movies! Over last weekend we saw a lot of movies. I was struck by the disconnect between the reviews I'd read about various and my experience of them, so I decided to write my own reviews.

MOVIES IN THEATERS:

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: The reviews were not promising. One reviewer described this movie as "two hours of hell" and another dismissed its frenetic pace. Maybe because I was expecting dreck, I was pleasantly surprised by this film. It's very original and at times even sweet. A delightful family movie for all ages. Normally I find Robin Williams to be frenetic and over-the-top, but he was very good in this movie, as was Owen Wilson.

BLOOD DIAMOND: The reviews panned this movie as "preachy" and slow, and disdained the fact that white Jennifer Connelly comes in to save the black man from a terrible fate. Huh? What movie did they see? This movie was not preachy, nor is it slow - it's called character development, people! I had heard about conflict diamonds but did not know much about the situation in Africa. This film is an eye-opening and riveting account of civil war in Sierra Leone, and its effect on one family. It's partly a thriller, partly an expose on the machinations of some diamond merchants and partly about a man's struggle with his conscience. The acting was solid. I was totally caught up in the story (except for a couple of times when I had to surpress the urge to reach into the screen and pluck Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows). I definitely recommend this film. I have a different view of diamonds, now.

THE HOLIDAY: What can I say? Cameron Diaz is adorable and had great clothes. Jude Law is sexy in that slightly self-deprecating way the British do so well (Hugh Grant has passed the baton on that one). Kate Winslet is a terrific actress. Jack Black is great as always. Holidays are about escape and this is pure escapism.

MOVIES ON TIVO:

KEEPING UP WITH THE STEINS: If you've ever planned a bar mitzvah, you will laugh. If you've ever been to a bar/bat mitzvah, you will laugh. More importantly, if you have a family, you will laugh. This is an original coming-of-age story about a 13 year old boy who tries to reconnect his grandfather (a hilarious Garry Marshall) with his father (Jeremy Piven). Darryl Hannah and the rest of the cast is great. I recommend this sweet, funny movie.

THE TRANSPORTER 2: Ridiculous in plot, cardboard characters, yet absurdly and strangely watchable. This movie defines the term "mind candy". A lot of fun - especially if you like over-the-top action.

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN: After two attempts to sit through Troy, I gave up on historical dramas and never saw this when it was in theaters. Too bad, because this film stands apart from the drivel that was Troy. Although not a perfect film (at some points it is difficult to follow) Kingdom of Heaven is interesting, with some strong characters and a story that may be about the Crusades but also has relevence today, drawing parallels between the Crusades and our war in Iraq. Plus, Orlando Bloom is not hard to watch.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

No matter what you celebrate or where you are in the world (and in the wait), we wish you a peaceful, joyful holiday!!

Out of computer hell

Okay, two years with Adelphia cable and no problemo whatsoever. Then Time-Warner takes over and it's computer hell for days. Or rather, internet-connection hell. But now I'm ba-a-a-a-c-k!! Speaking of connections (the non-technological kind), last week I visted with Abbey, who is absolutely precious. Her mom, Christi, is head-over-heels over her and I am, too. Abbey is a delight: sweet, active, smart, funny. Adorable!! We met Christi at an FCC event a year ago, and now she finally has her baby. I also met a cyberfriend in person and made a new friend, Dianne, who is waiting for Sophie. Some other new friends, Dee and Damien, are leaving on Friday for China, and they'll be coming home with Amy. I can't wait for the day that our kids are all playing together and this wait will be a thing of the past!!

Ten Month LID Anniversary!!

Today is our ten month LID anniversary. So what the hell does that mean? Are we halfway to referral? A third? More? Less? I'm trying not to think too much about it. I'm stepping off the rollercoaster. Well, one foot is still firmly planted in that rollercoaster (the part that visits the Rumor Queen site regularly, by which I mean daily, multiple times, but who's counting?!). The other foot is dangling somewhere in mid-air looking for a place to land. Sometimes it lands in the Land of Whatever-Who-Cares-Anymore and sometimes in the Land of Goody-Goody-We're-Getting-Closer. Ah, it's enough to give a girl emotional whiplash.

Then there's the whole hormonal thing. It's a cosmic joke that PMS and pregnancy feel so much the same, at least in the beginning. Every month there's some part of me that wonders if some bizarre National Inquirer-type of miracle has occured and those cramps and sore stripper boobs mean that I'm pregnant. Weirder still is my mixed excitement and dread at this possibility, which always ends with an equally bizarre mix of relief and disappointment when I'm not.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Or is it just that I'm so freaking weird? And why am I surprised that my emotions are all over the map? After all, I'm ten months (paperwork) pregnant!!

Referrals!

Referrals are here! The CCAA has sent referrals for families logged in between August 26 and September 8, 2005. Congratulations to all the parents who are seeing their children's faces for the first time! We are so thrilled for you!

Gratitude

Mmmmmm.... mashed potatoes... good!!















Happy on Thanksgiving Day!
















Our good friends Rob and Greg, and Grandma Lori, David's mom, on Thanksgiving!



You'd never know it from these photos, but Ariel had strep throat over Thanksgiving week. She's better, now (thanks to the miracle of antibiotics) so I'm most grateful for her health, and ours. It's a terrible feeling to see your baby sick, no matter how old she is!

I hope to feel grateful every day, not just the third Thursday of November. I'm so grateful for my daughter Ariel, who is my miracle and constantly amazes me with her intelligence, zaniness, talent and compassion... for my husband David, who made me believe in the concept of soulmates, and is my true b'sherit (Hebrew for intended one, destined one, loved one)... for my friends... for my psychotherapy practice, which gives me the chance to help other people transform their lives and is both challenging and rewarding... for all our my many blessings.

Although there are heartaches in our world, especially the emotional loss of my parents, who have chosen not to participate in our lives for reasons of their own, I choose to focus on what we have, not what we don't have. I am working through my losses, and staying focused on the positive.

Hope everyone in the U.S. had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving isn't officially for another week, but it's never too soon to start reflecting on the spirit of Thanksgiving. To me, that's about gratitude, and also about remembering that people from different cultures can come together in harmony. Which, of course, seems like a fitting allegory for Chinese adoption (of course, now that adopting from China is on my mental radar, it seems that so much of life is a reminder of this journey... ever notice that?)

I've always felt there was something beautiful about the story of Thanksgiving; that the Pilgrims and the Native Americans were able to share a day of bounty and thanks is a lesson that has such contemporary implications. In a time when people seek to connect to their specific cultural roots (African Americans, Asian Americans, Jewish Americans, et al) it's easy to feel all too separate and divided. In truth we are both - we are products of our diverse heritages, and we are also all (at least in the U.S.) Americans - and for those of us adopting from China, it may be a challenge to incorporate those differences within our families. Or so I anticipate, as at this point it's all conjecture. But sometimes I really do wonder what I can expect in raising a Jewish Chinese American daughter! Thanksgiving Day is a reminder that we're all part of a greater identity, as members of the human race.

Thanksgiving is above all a day of giving thanks for what we have - a timely reminder at this time that shall one day be known as The Longest Wait, when the focus can often be on what we don't have (our children!!). I'll be writing about gratitude in a different post.

A cyber-handshake to our visitors...

Hello, out there! Yes, I'm talking to you. Yes, you! Thank you for reading our blog and sharing this journey with us. Most of you are on the same rollercoaster ride to our children in China and some of you are just stopping by to catch up. Whoever you are, please take a moment and leave a comment. We get a lot of hits every day but people rarely leave comments, and we'd love to know who's visiting. Thanks so much!!

Nine Month Anniversary

Today is the nine month anniversary of our LID. We've been "paperwork pregnant" for a full term. Apparently, however, that nine month term only applies to human mothers. Elephants have a typical gestation period of 22 months, the longest pregnancy of any mammal. I've always liked elephants. As a child, the Babar books were particular favorites of mine. I once spent an afternoon getting to know an orphaned elephant who had been rescued from Africa. I helped to bathe her, rode on her back and pried her trunk off my bracelet (and the tip of an elephant's trunk is extremely agile - she could literally pinch the bracelet; clearly she had good taste in jewelery!). At one time I even collected elephants. Yes, I love elephants. But geez, I never wanted to identify with them!!

The elephant in the photo is pregnant. Look at her, bulging with her calf, probably wondering when this ordeal will be over and yearning to nuzzle her baby. I imagine she's grumpy and tired, and just wants this pregnancy over with, already, for her limbo to come to an end. She's probably tired of carrying around that extra weight.

I feel her pain!! Only I'm tired of the extra "wait"!!

Congratulations...

...to all the families who referred their referrals on Thursday and finally got to see the faces of their children. We're really thrilled for our neighbor and RQ buddy, Dee and her husband, who are looking forward to bringing their adorable baby Amy home!