New York Times Article

In yesterday's New York Times magazine there was an article about the families of children adopted internationally looking for their children's birth families. One mother told of her Chinese daughter, who sent balloons up into the air towards China each year along with a message for her birthmother, assuring her that she had a good life in America. When the mother searched for her daughter's birth family, she learned first that the birth mother was dead, and the man claiming to be the father (he said he had an affair with the birth mother) failed a DNA test. The daughter was heartbroken and the mother now longs for the days when they optimistically sent balloons to China...

I have mixed feelings about the concept of finding birthparents. On the one hand I respect the need for (some) adoptees to know where they came from, to have some connection to the people to whom they are biologically connected, and even to know pragmatic things such as medical history. On the other hand, the reality of those connections can be devastatingly disappointing. I can't imagine the disappointment of people searching for birthmothers who ultimately reject them or, in one of the situations described in the article, basically just want to get money. Or to find a birth family with whom communication is difficult, not only because of language differences, but because the cultural differences are impossible to overcome.

It's a tough question. What are your thoughts?

Waiting Parents Dim Sum Extravaganza

We had the pleasure of meeting a lot of other waiting families today... and feasting on dim sum... it was great to talk to other people who are waiting, and who "get it" (unlike so many well intentioned friends, family members, co-workers, et al). A huge THANK YOU to Di and Beth for their thoughtful gifts and for organizing this wonderful event!





David and Nina at one of the two tables of waiting families. That's Di and Dave behind us.

Not a chicken claw in sight (although we were offered them and declined graciously)

Some new friends at the table... Betsy, Laura and her daughter Laina, Kathy and Dianne.

Di and Dave and Dave, who's married to Kris, who's out of camera range. Yes, any guy who wanted to sit with us had to be named David!

20 month LID anniversary

As of yesterday, October 6th, we have been in this long, interminable line for 20 months.

Grrrrrrrrr.

I'm just incredibly irritated right now. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that my six month old MacBook just crashed to the point that the service person I called at Mac had never encountered this kind of problem, and in addition my car has a flat tire.

But still... 20 months when we thought it would be six. People have stopped asking us about "the baby". I'm starting to believe it will never happen.

Famous or Infamous??

Ariel and I were having an afterschool snack at a little outdoor cafe in our neighborhood, noticing that there were lots of film crew types walking around. Turned out they were taping Kim Kardashian's reality TV show. Consider the weirdness of someone being famous and getting her own show simply for being best friends with Paris Hilton. Bizarre! Add to that the fact that Paris Hilton is famous for being...uh, rich? Obnoxious? Narcissistic? Perhaps Andy Warhol was right about that fifteen minutes of fame.

As we were pondering this, Sharon and Ozzie Ozbourne walked past and went into a nearby store. Ariel said, "Ozzie Ozbourne? Wow. He's like the most famous DRUG ADDICT that ever lived."

I reminded her that he's also a famous musician. She wasn't impressed.

We went into the store, too, ostensibly to browse but really because we wanted to see what the most famous drug addict looks like up close and personal (and people, it's not pretty). Sharon was talking to her dogs on her cell phone and telling Kim Kardashian that some of her crew members worked on their show as well.

Two days from now I'll be comparing psychoanalytic theories (classical v. relational), discussing Freud and the clinical implications of the analytic frame. The juxtaposition of my two worlds is really weird.

19 Month LID Anniversary

I just realized that last Thursday (September 6, 2007) was our 19 month LID anniversary. Also the two year anniversary of our official acceptance by GWCA. It basically slipped my mind until now.

Nineteen months. Sigh.

Why Women Need Chocolate

So the CCAA has referred four months in this past year. Sigh. An already interminable wait stretches before all waiting families. For us the prospect of a referral seems almost unreal, like a desert mirage. The closer we get, the farther we are. It's enough to make a person turn to... what else... CHOCOLATE. As a psychotherapist specializing in eating disorders I normally encourage people to process difficult feelings instead of numbing them with chocolate, but sometimes a girl's just gotta have chocolate.

Recently I discovered these amazing calcium chocolates. They taste exactly like chocolate and they have 500 mg of calcium in each bite. And since women need calcium, women need these chocolates. Yes, guilt-free chocolate actually exists!

I can imagine what you might be thinking: chocolate that's actually good for you? It's amazing, it's impossible, what's next? Zero calorie ice cream? Exercising in your sleep? The proverbial pigs with wings? The CCAA referring more than seven days at once, consistently?

Hey, if guilt-free chocolate exists, then anything is possible.

Am I crazy, or what?

I've always planned to go back to school to get a doctorate in psychoanalysis. At some point during this long wait I decided not to put my life on hold and applied. Today I found out that I was accepted into the program. Classes are only once a week, and David will work from home on the day that I'm in school so that Ariel and Kavanna (when she arrives) will always have a parent. I'll have to juggle raising a teenager and (next year) a baby with being in analysis four times a week (the mainstay of psychoanalysis) and my private practice, but I can do it!!

I admit to feelings of guilt about this decision. I've waited so long for Kavanna. Shouldn't I drop everything and be her mom 24 hours a day, which I did for Ariel? Or can I be a different kind of mom? The difference between raising Ariel and raising Kavanna is David, who will be there, and wants to be there, and is is a true partner as a parent.

Do I sound as if I'm trying to talk myself into something? Maybe.

Can women have it all? Can men? I'd like to think so. You tell me: am I crazy, or what?

A new life for Ying!

Several weeks ago this baby, Ying, needed two surgeries before she had even a hope of leading a normal life. I'm thrilled to report that Ying's first surgery was successful and she does not need a second surgery!! She is going to grow up to be healthy (and she's clearly already happy).

Look at how cute she is! A huge THANKS to everyone who helped make this possible.

If you'd like to help other babies and children like Ying, please check out the Love Without Boundaries website. Even a donation of $10 a month can make a difference!

18 month LID anniversary

This is a dove of peace, which is Rosie's idea... I love the idea of spreading the spirit of peace around the world!

Yes, it's been eighteen months since we were logged in, and 24 months since the day we contacted Great Wall China Adoption agency. Time flies when you're.... um, waiting?

In Judaism, the number 18 signifies "chai" or "life", so today we're celebrating and cherishing the lives we have, and looking forward to the life that will be coming into our hearts next year.

(next year, yeah!!)

I want to thank everyone who posted their support and understanding for the loss of our dog Roy. I don't know how to express this without sounding trite, but your words and sentiments were so meaningful to me (and us) and so healing. Thank you so very much for helping our family through this difficult time!

Goodbye, old friend...

Roy came into our lives unexpectedly. Eleven years ago Ariel and I went to the mall, where there happened to be a dog adoption event hosted by the local pound. All the dogs were getting tons of attention... all but one, a skinny, trembling Shephard/Lab mix named (by the people at the shelter) Elroy. If he did not get adopted that day, he was headed for puppy heaven the next. It didn't look good. He was a street dog who'd been attacked by other dogs, and by life. His ear had been torn in half. Huge patches of fur were missing. He smelled terrible.

Ariel headed straight for him. She was two years old and she knew what she wanted. She wanted Roy. I had not expected to bring another dog into our home... but I did.

And so he came into our lives and we grew to love this shy, anxious, and incredibly sweet soul. His boundless energy gave way to a slower pace. He loved to lie on plush, soft spaces. He echewed the back yard. I think he had enough of the outdoors while he was living on the streets. He loved to lie on the couch and rest. He followed us wherever we went, a faithful furry shadow.

In the last couple of years he slowed down. He lost 20 lbs. He developed a limp. He could no longer jump onto the couch. He's been on all kinds of medications, none of which slowed his decline. He grew confused. He peed on a guest and seemed oblivious to what he was doing. There were times when I was really frustrated with him, which made me feel really guilty. On Monday he could no longer get up or walk, so we knew it was time to let him go.

I have never had to put a dog to sleep and it was a terrible experience. David, Ariel and I petted him and I kissed his head. We said goodbye as the vet injected the medication and cried as Roy took his last breaths.

I miss the clatter of his paws on our wood floors. I miss his constant presence, his soulful gaze. The silence in our house is deafening.

Au revoir, Roy.

How Cute Are These Outfits??

My friend Di is making good use of her time during The Wait. She's designing and creating these adorable and unique baby clothes. They are so unique and adorable. I can't wait to see Kavanna wearing a Di (as opposed to Dior) original. Check out more of her creations here. You can also visit her blog and say hello!

Phone Home In Style (from China or anywhere)

So the day has finally come for me to get internet access on the go. I went to look at Blackberrys, which seem way to complicated. The screen is kind of small and hard to read. The keyboard is small and weird. So we left T-Mobile and went to the Apple store to check out the new iPhones.

(sound of heavens parting and angels singing)

This phone is so amazing it (almost) defies description. I'm not usually into gadgets or high-tech anything. In fact, I'm a little bit of an analog person in a digital world.

Until now. I love this phone. Seriously.

I covet this phone. I'm sure a new, even better model is going to come out in a few months, and then I shall have it!! If you haven't seen an actual iPhone yet, go into your local Apple store and see for yourself.

And no, I do not own Apple stock, nor do I work for Apple. I'm just a sucker for ... er, consumer of... new and amazing technology.

Seventeen Month LID Anniversary

No matter how long we wait, we seem to be stuck in this weird Groundhog Day-like existence where our referral is always about a year away. Today I'm in a slightly optimistic mood and I'm predicting a possible referral as early as March or as late as June. Perhaps we've broken the spell?

Congratulations to all the parents who are getting to see the faces of their children. I love Referral Time!!

Where Is Ariel?? She's Home!!!!!

Scooters in Italy are what bicycles are in China!




Swinging on a park in Italy. A Ferrari tire, perhaps?






"Ahhh, the gelato was so good I had to sit down!"














How cute! (And those Smart Cars are cute, too!)

Update!

Thanks to everyone for helping this baby's surgery funded. I'm thrilled to report the money was raised and she'll be getting her first surgery this week. I'll keep you posted.

Where in the world is Ariel?

Ariel is in Italy with her sperm donor... er, biological father. He doesn't spend much time with her during the year. He doesn't help with homework or drive her places she needs to go. He's too busy doing important things like directing television. He does, however, sweep her off to Italy for adventure (if I sound sarcastic and resentful it's because I am). Right now Ariel is having lots of fun seeing the sights, shopping, and practicing her Italian. I'm thrilled for her but I miss her.

I really miss her.

David and I changed the SIM card in her phone and made it local to Italy, so she can make and take calls from her cell phone at local Italian rates. I don't know if that's possible for China but we plan on finding out.

Ciao for now.

16 month LID anniversary

Sweet sixteen? Hardly! Thinking optimistically, and cautiously, we believe have more time behind us in this wait than we do ahead of us.

And congratulations to all the families who are receiving referrals this week!! I'm thrilled for you all. Envious (I admit it!!) but very happy for you.

Why Can't People Be Nice?

I posted this on RQ (yes, I am a lapsed addict but only to post on the "blowing off steam" column) and got so many positive and supportive responses that I thought I'd post it here, too. In case you've had a similar experience, you are not alone!!

I'm acquainted with a woman who adopted a precious baby from China about 2.5 years ago. She waited six months for her daughter. I run into her every few months and she always asks how things are going with the adoption. Last time I told her what the CCAA said in Australia about the wait increasing to 36 months.

She smiled (SMILED!!!) and said, "Oh, it will never go that long." (very condescending tone, too)

I said, "It took about four months just to get through October and November is bigger. The last two referrals have been for six days and two days respectively."

She said, "Where are you getting your information?" (said somewhat arrogantly)

I told her I'm on various sites on-line and very much aware of what was going on in the Chinese adoption community. The whole time I had this horrible feeling of having to DEFEND myself.

Then she said, "Well, it definitely won't go that long, but when you get your daughter you won't even remember the wait." (smugly)And then she scooped up her daughter and left.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I felt so helpless and so dismissed. She completely invalidated my feelings about the wait, and even dismissed the idea that it is growing to ridiculous lengths each month.

Is it too much for someone to say, "Wow, I'm sorry you are having to wait so long. That must be really tough."

Seriously. What is up with this kind of insensitivity? I expect more from people who've been on this rollercoaster and it seems particularly egregious when they let me down and seemingly have no sympathy or even understanding.

Just my personal rant. Thanks for listening!

contemplating conspicious consumption

With rumors flying about referrals through mid-November, I'm allowing myself the luxury of pondering some baby-related purchases. As in, maybe... starting... to possibly... consider that these items may one day, in the future (mid-2008??) be part of our daily lives. Here's my wish list. I'm in love with Stokke products. These photos don't quite do justice to the real thing, both of which are way cool.

This baby needs help!

Look at that face and that smile! This adorable three month baby girl needs surgery that can help her live a normal, healthy life. We just donated to her surgery fund and hope that you will also donate to Love Without Boundaries to help her or one of the many other children who are in need of medical help. You can read more about her here or at the Love Without Boundaries website. It does not take a lot of money to make a huge difference in a child's life. If everyone who visited this site last week gave $20, the surgery would be paid for.

I hesitated to use our site as a way to solicit donations, ultimately felt it was the right thing to do. Thanks for helping!