I took her to Montessori day care as usual yesterday and when I came to pick her up they informed me she had been unhappy all day and had a fever of 100. I said it was probably teething and they looked at me as if I was a bad mom. Okay, this is completely my own projection or fear (I think) but I felt as if they were thinking, "Why is she not more concerned about her baby?". They needed a doctor's note before they let her come back to school.
By some miracle I got an emergency appointment with the doctor and by the time we got there, Kavanna had a temperature of 102. She was listless and just lay cuddled against me, which made me feel incredibly helpless... They tested her for the flu and checked her for all kinds of other thing (walking pneumonia is going around) but determined she just had a bad cold. I told the doctor that she always has a high fever when she teethes and he said it was a coincidence. And yeah, I thought he was thinking I was a bad mommy, too.
Why did I want it to be teething? Is it partly because teething is a natural process of development and not sickness... or is it partly because I was thinking about myself, about how we'd deal with childcare if she were sick? The truth is, it's both... and I feel like a bad mommy for having any thoughts whatsoever about how her illness is impacting us, even as my heart aches for her when she is unwell.
She woke up today with no fever and seems almost her normal self, but David is staying home with her for two days... he's missing a very important meeting and there may be consequences. Apparently in this economy, missing two days of work because you have a sick child is not good in the corporate world. I can't take more time off or my practice would suffer... So really, we don't have any options. We have no family around us and all our friends work, and of course Kavanna is the most important thing... but at times like this I realize how hard it is to juggle parenthood and profession.
There's some accusing voice in my head saying, "Forget being a professional woman with your own private practice. You should be home with your child all the time!!"
I keep fighting that voice but it's still there. I keep arguing with it (a full time therapist only works about 25 hours a week to avoid burnout so I really only work part time, etc., and giving up my income is not an option either)... but it remains loud in my head.
Most of the time our schedule works great. Kavanna loves Montessori. She's there half the day and with us the rest of the time. I think she'd be bored at home because she loves the interaction and all the kids. But at times like this I definitely question myself.
My mother's generation fought for women's right to choose whether or not to work, but nobody ever talks about how tough that choice can be.
Can anyone else relate?
12 comments:
I believe the CCAA says that if you want it to be teething you have to give her back.
Awww, poor baby and poor mommy! I don't think you want it to be teething; I just think you thought it looked like teething. As for Montessori, where do they think she got sick, at home with her very healthy mom and dad, or at a school full of little carriers?
It's okay to hope it's not illness and to try to do everything and do it well. I think you're great.
Let me know if you need my baby-sitting services, such as they are!
xx~
Di
I know that daycare only allowing her to come back (presumably while you're paying the daycare center not to watch her while you miss work) with a doctor's note would SO not fly here...I find that alarming. Especially when she probably picked up the crud from that very daycare... Of course, here, daycare facilities are struggling to stay open, so they bend over backwards for your business.
Hang in there--
I know how you feel. I struggled with the same feelings for months before we left for China. I was working part time as a nurse at a local hospital. I decided to give up my job and be a full time stay at home mom. We have been home since mid November and it is working our great! I don't know how working moms do it. My 16 month old daughter still does not sleep thru the night and having to get up to be at a job would be very painful. It is a tough decision, but I know I am doing the best I can for my little gal. Hang in there ~ Lisa
First, quit beating yourself up over the illness. Nine times out of ten, it is teething. I remember one time Mollianne was feeling crummy but said she wanted to go to school so I let her. When I picked her up, she felt warm to me but it was only a 100. So, I went home and put her to bed. She said her head hurt a little but she was just tired and wanted to sleep. The next morning, her fever was 101 and by the time I got her to the doctor a few hours later, it was 102.9. She had full blown strep. Never once did she say her throat hurt. I felt horrible but really, I did what most moms would do. I gave her fluids, rest and tylenol until I saw that nothing was working. And then I acted. You did the same exact thing.
You are a GREAT mom. Knowing what I know about Kavanna, she wouldn't be happy at home with you all day long. So while she is getting her friend time, you are getting your adult time. Don't ever feel bad about that. I often miss being out in the working world and interacting with adults. For us, my staying home was what worked mainly because what I made a year would almost entirely go towards daycare for me to work full-time (which I have to do in my profession) and I wanted so much to stay home with our children. But it doesn't work for everyone. Don't beat yourself up about this. You and David are excellent, loving parents.
Love on Kavanna for us! We miss you, E
Hang in there - the following is from a guy's perspective - our adoption story was a bit different from most others in that we had to decide if I should retire in order that our future should have a FT care giver. We decided that it was workable and so now JMei has a stay at home dad. We did agonize over the decision, but in the end, it worked out for us, and especially for our daughter. So, I suppose I can only say "Hang in there" until the answer is crystal clear - no one has the same set of circumstances and you WILL make the right decision.
A sick kid can frazzle one's nerves - but a sick kid and a sick parent is hell. The first time our daughter had a fever was as my wife went to a conference at which she was a speaker. JMei's temp was 104 and mine was 101.5 - and there we were without our in-house medical professional. I must've looked pretty bad because she (our daughter) went easy on me. Several calls to the triage desk at the pediatrician's office and plenty of sleep got us through 3 days of "What am I going to do with my sick kid?" Somehow, you just end up doing the right thing. Wishing Kavanna a speedy recovery and good health.
HomeDaddy Don
Yes, I can relate to the tug between work and home. I am fortunate to be on a one year loa, but by the time Emma arrives, I will only have 5 months left before returning to my job as a teacher. Staying home more than one year isn't an option for us, but I have loved every minute of it, and if it could work forever, I'd be in heaven! I had to leave my first child after 5 or 6 weeks, and it was so hard, but I did get in the groove of things eventually. I hope the same is true this time around. Hang in there. You are not alone!
NINA, I'm sorry to hear Kavanna is sick with a cold. Actually, Li Na is sick too. Yesterday, she was very cranky (and, I couldn't figure out why, but know today). She really has a bad cold, but we still went out and did things. She would have been miserable and bored being cooped up here in the house all day. So, I know you have very intuitive mother instincts, evidenced by Ariel, so don't let that little voice haunt you. We are sending Li Na to a Mandarin Immersion program this summer (for her, and also for mommy to have a couple of just mommy time)... So, I definitely understand. I miss you,
Hoping K. is better and all is calmer in your household.
I have the guilty's everyday I go to work, with a one hour commute each way, I am gone from dark to dark. The tug of war is so bad. DH is a SAHD just like Don but the house is a mess and things aren't getting done! One day at a time and enjoy K.!!
I'll worry about it tomorrow....
Alyzabeth's Mommy
Glad Kavanna is perking up.
Oh my, can I relate to your words. I will be a professional working mama who puts in a lot of hours. That baby-catching gig can be unpredictable. Clearly, I have no other option either since I'm single. PIPA and I will find our way in time but I'm sure I will struggle with many of the issues you mentioned.
Poor little Kavanna and poor mommy. We've been home about 6 weeks and I'm going back to work next tuesday. Insert long, sad sigh here.
G will be starting 1/2 day childcare in about 3 weeks. Yes, I'm already completely stressing about what will happen and what we'll do if/when she gets sick. Let's face it, I'm stressing about leaving her anywhere. Its tough.
You're not a bad mom. Kids do run fevers and exhibit cold-like symptoms (and diarrhea) when they teethe. Certainly your doc knows that, moms do. You did the right thing, you went to the doc and now you're dealing with it.
Its tough being a parent. Be nice to you.
Hope she feels better soon. G also has a cold and is cutting 3 teeth so I totally get it!
susan
Give Kavanna a hug from me. I hope she is feeling better soon!!!
I so understand the thoughts and feelings you express here. BB is sick, too, and I can't tell you how much I second guess myself about how serious, or not, it is. Not to mention question others' judgment of me, which I know shouldn't matter. I guess I am questioning myself. Oh, this working mother thing isn't easy. Sounds like you are doing just fine, though.
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