I posted this on RQ (yes, I am a lapsed addict but only to post on the "blowing off steam" column) and got so many positive and supportive responses that I thought I'd post it here, too. In case you've had a similar experience, you are not alone!!
I'm acquainted with a woman who adopted a precious baby from China about 2.5 years ago. She waited six months for her daughter. I run into her every few months and she always asks how things are going with the adoption. Last time I told her what the CCAA said in Australia about the wait increasing to 36 months.
She smiled (SMILED!!!) and said, "Oh, it will never go that long." (very condescending tone, too)
I said, "It took about four months just to get through October and November is bigger. The last two referrals have been for six days and two days respectively."
She said, "Where are you getting your information?" (said somewhat arrogantly)
I told her I'm on various sites on-line and very much aware of what was going on in the Chinese adoption community. The whole time I had this horrible feeling of having to DEFEND myself.
Then she said, "Well, it definitely won't go that long, but when you get your daughter you won't even remember the wait." (smugly)And then she scooped up her daughter and left.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I felt so helpless and so dismissed. She completely invalidated my feelings about the wait, and even dismissed the idea that it is growing to ridiculous lengths each month.
Is it too much for someone to say, "Wow, I'm sorry you are having to wait so long. That must be really tough."
Seriously. What is up with this kind of insensitivity? I expect more from people who've been on this rollercoaster and it seems particularly egregious when they let me down and seemingly have no sympathy or even understanding.
Just my personal rant. Thanks for listening!
11 comments:
Rant on. Some simply can't see anything beyond their own experience as having any validity. Interesting, yet sad, world view for those individuals.
So true and I mirror c.j. Whether people have no experience with adoption or not, it seems that everyone has their own 2 cents about the adoption process and unfortunately I rarely get a "congratulations" or "wow, I'm sorry to hear that" when they are appropriate. Instead I hear things that leave me stunned, thinking, "did they really just say that to me?" People just don't know how to respond to something that doesn't have a standard canned response that has been programmed into their brains.
I think some folks feel the need to "fix us" rather than allowing us our emotions. I know I am guilty of being a fixer, and for myself, thinking about the wait makes the adoption seem so abstract and impossible I try to avoid thinking about days referred and what they mean, and I have tried to fix other "waiters" who are sad. (I'm guilty!)
Anyway, maybe that lady felt out of the loop information-wise, and then wanted to try to "fix-it" for you?
Hmmmm. Not sure, of course. She could just be insensitive!
My own mother recently asked me about the wait, and when told (again)of the time we expect to still have to wait, started telling me that she didn't think I should risk ruining such a great marriage with children! "Of course," she said, "since the wait is going to be so long I mean. You two are fine like you are." Ouch!
So, she could have been trying to fix me or she could have been simply insensitive as all get out, of my mom I'd say it's probably a 50-50 either way! LOL poor mom! She's outed now!
Anyway, I hope you feel better knowing that you do know what you're talking about and your feelings are valid.
xx~
di
Your title says it all. We were told 6 months and it lasted for 12 months before we got our referral. I thought I would die of a broken heart. I can only imagine how hard it is on all of you. But the one true thing is... (I am not saying this smugly) I promise that one day you will hold your baby in your arms and all the hurt, fear, anger, frustration, heartache will truly melt away.
Big Hug and God's Speed
Daleea
Im so sorry that happenned
Amy
That was super rude! Most people who adopt are much more sensitive then that lady (in my experience).
Hopefully she is the exception to the rule.
Keep smilin!
That was super rude! Most people who adopt are much more sensitive then that lady (in my experience).
Hopefully she is the exception to the rule.
Keep smilin!
I hear ya! I was in Vons grocery store and a lady with 2 kids adopted from China was there. They had on some FCC shirts of some type...I said oh we are LID May 15, 2006 and it is takeing SO long. She looked at me and said, "It always takes a long time and you will forget the wait soon enough" ummm WHAT???? uggh.
How annoying!!! Gosh us Brits have already waited two and a half years and we've still got two years to wait!! Imagine! People are strange aren't they!! I have to say I'm not one of those type of people and I'd be very understanding.
On a positive note..us bloggers have much deeper bonds waiting so long!!
When I meet people who adopted from China they always say,"we waited 2 years". They usually mean from when they started their paperwork and NOT from DTC. I have already hit the 2 year mark from paperwork and 16 months from LID. The BTDT people don't realize that the wait is at an historic high and no one has waited this long before. I know I will feel better when our referral finally arrives but I will not forget the pain of waiting three times longer than we were told when we started. I never forgot the pain of childbirth and I will never forget this wait!
Yeah -- I know, and I think it hurts even more when we think the person (especially, another adoptive mom) would show some understanding! I'm sorry she was so unkind. Personally, I think the next time I bumped into this woman, I wouldn't engage into much conversation, again, since this parent seems to know so much about the long wait. You know, I really like this saying - and, when I don't know what the right thing to do, or say, -- I feel it's better to error on the side of kindess. Lots of hugs to you, and thinking of you, during this long, and horrendous wait.... mei ling
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