Kavanna has two teeth breaking through her gums, so when she was crankier than usual on Sunday I attributed it to teething. She had a slight fever, which she always does when new teeth are coming.
I took her to Montessori day care as usual yesterday and when I came to pick her up they informed me she had been unhappy all day and had a fever of 100. I said it was probably teething and they looked at me as if I was a bad mom. Okay, this is completely my own projection or fear (I think) but I felt as if they were thinking, "Why is she not more concerned about her baby?". They needed a doctor's note before they let her come back to school.
By some miracle I got an emergency appointment with the doctor and by the time we got there, Kavanna had a temperature of 102. She was listless and just lay cuddled against me, which made me feel incredibly helpless... They tested her for the flu and checked her for all kinds of other thing (walking pneumonia is going around) but determined she just had a bad cold. I told the doctor that she always has a high fever when she teethes and he said it was a coincidence. And yeah, I thought he was thinking I was a bad mommy, too.
Why did I
want it to be teething? Is it partly because teething is a natural process of development and not sickness... or is it partly because I was thinking about myself, about how we'd deal with childcare if she were sick? The truth is, it's both... and I feel like a bad mommy for having any thoughts whatsoever about how her illness is impacting us, even as my heart aches for her when she is unwell.
She woke up today with no fever and seems almost her normal self, but David is staying home with her for two days... he's missing a very important meeting and there may be consequences. Apparently in this economy, missing two days of work because you have a sick child is not good in the corporate world. I can't take more time off or my practice would suffer... So really, we don't have any options. We have no family around us and all our friends work, and of course Kavanna is the most important thing... but at times like this I realize how hard it is to juggle parenthood and profession.
There's some accusing voice in my head saying, "Forget being a professional woman with your own private practice. You should be home with your child all the time!!"
I keep fighting that voice but it's still there. I keep arguing with it (a full time therapist only works about 25 hours a week to avoid burnout so I really only work part time, etc., and giving up my income is not an option either)... but it remains loud in my head.
Most of the time our schedule works great. Kavanna loves Montessori. She's there half the day and with us the rest of the time. I think she'd be bored at home because she loves the interaction and all the kids. But at times like this I definitely question myself.
My mother's generation fought for women's right to choose whether or not to work, but nobody ever talks about how tough that choice can be.
Can anyone else relate?
