Monday, October 29, 2007

New York Times Article

In yesterday's New York Times magazine there was an article about the families of children adopted internationally looking for their children's birth families. One mother told of her Chinese daughter, who sent balloons up into the air towards China each year along with a message for her birthmother, assuring her that she had a good life in America. When the mother searched for her daughter's birth family, she learned first that the birth mother was dead, and the man claiming to be the father (he said he had an affair with the birth mother) failed a DNA test. The daughter was heartbroken and the mother now longs for the days when they optimistically sent balloons to China...

I have mixed feelings about the concept of finding birthparents. On the one hand I respect the need for (some) adoptees to know where they came from, to have some connection to the people to whom they are biologically connected, and even to know pragmatic things such as medical history. On the other hand, the reality of those connections can be devastatingly disappointing. I can't imagine the disappointment of people searching for birthmothers who ultimately reject them or, in one of the situations described in the article, basically just want to get money. Or to find a birth family with whom communication is difficult, not only because of language differences, but because the cultural differences are impossible to overcome.

It's a tough question. What are your thoughts?

3 comments:

Alyson and Ford said...

Well, I hope you don't get hit by the flame throwers on this one. I've gone to wearing my asbestus clothing when touching on subjects sure to bring out the best and worst of folks.

With that said. I don't mind sharing my upfront and unapologetic opinion on this one.(short pause as I adjust my asbestus sleeves)

Short version. We went with China because of the reduced probability of having to deal with biological parents and family while raising our little one. Sound selfish? It should because it is. Not fair to the little one? Well, this is my short version so torch away. I'll pass.

Now, once the little one is no longer little... I don't know, say 16, 17, older still. And she expresses a desire to find her biological parents. Sure, we'll help. We'll support her. And if it turns out "good" for her. Great. We're still be her mom and dad. If it turns out "not so good" for her, then we'll be there for her. We are after all, her family. Her mom and dad.

That's the short version. Tons of emotions tied up in this one both for our daughter. And for us...

Peace
fm

Alyson and Ford said...

BTW: You may have seen this already on another blog but in the event you haven't...

A couple in Holland were able to locate their 10 year old daughter's birth parents. I don't speak Dutch but the faces of all involved speak a language I'm sure is understandable to all...

http://spoorloos.kro.nl/uitzendingen/seizoen45/default.aspx

fm

Nina said...

Don't worry - it's September 2, 2008, now, and you now realize that Kavanna was born on this very day!! She looks like the most precious, beautiful, happy baby ever born - she has personality to spare! We can't wait to meet you, Kavanna. We were thinking of you on your birthday and we didn't even know it. We love you and can't wait to meet you!!

Your mommy, Nina
Your daddy, David
Your sister, Ariel