13 Month LID Anniversary

13 months LID... wow... It's also the 18 month anniversary since we officially started this process (GWCA formally accepted us on September 6, 2005).

I haven't been posting as much, lately. Partly because I've been very busy with my private practice and planning Ariel's bat mitzvah. Partly because I've had a crisis of....hmmm, what do you call it if you're a secular person... a crisis of faith? Belief? Trust?

I've debated whether or not to post on the site, but maybe I'm not the only one who's experienced these feelings. Either way, I'm putting it out there into cyberspace. Last week I was gripped by a sudden and overwhelming fear. Our life is basically perfect as it is... we have an amazing daughter, professions that are meaningful, time to write (our creative outlets)... what if adding another child messes everything up? What if instead of adding to our lives, she sucks the life out of us? What if we're making a terrible mistake?

I felt stuck. Scared. Horrified by these thoughts, even as I knew I had to explore them.

After talking with David and really thinking about it, I recognized these fears for what they are: normal. I remember having the same worries when I was pregnant with Ariel. Now, when I look at her, when we talk, when I consider how my universe opened up the moment she was born, how I can't actually remember what life was like before her... I can only smile at my fears.

So now I'm feeling more balanced about everything, looking forward to Kavanna's arrival (when??) but recognizing that it's okay to feel a spectrum of feelings about adding to our family.

Whew, what a rollercoaster ride.