How Will You Use The Wait????

I've been in a world class FUNK for a while now. My mind (and heart) has been swirling with all kinds of egregiously dark thoughts and feelings. Look up "down in the dumps" and you'll see my photo.

Basically, I've been wallowing about in exquisite agony. Fine, if I were a character in a Jane Austen novel. But is it appropriate for a woman in the 21st century? Not so much.

Today I just decided to snap the hell out of it. I'm going to use this time productively 'cause when Kavanna comes home I won't have the luxury of doing... well, much of anything, probably. So here's my plan: (in no particular order)

1. Clean out the garage. We have a three car garage that presently fits one vehicle. That's just not right! We've lived here nearly two years. It's time. And I have time.

2. Finish my novel. I have 273 pages completed. I'm close to the finish line and it's time to get this bad boy done.

3. Complete our backyard renovation aka get rid of the frigging koi pond, which is now minus fish (and water, and no, we didn't eat them - although they always looked like sushi to me) but still a monstrosity that takes up too much of our yard.

4. Take a dance class with my husband. Ah, the tango... I picture me in a dress with a plunging neckline, lots of eyeliner, a smoke-filled room (okay, scratch that, it's Los Angeles and nobody smokes), red lipstick and my dashing handsome husband sweeping me across the dance floor... So much more fun than wallowing.

5. Take an oil painting class. Always wanted to do that.

That's how I'm going to use my time during this wait. What about you out there in cyberland? How are you going to make the best of this wait???

Back from Chicago!

We're back from a wonderful visit to David's parents in Chicago. I'm lucky enough to have the world's best in-laws and we all had a great visit. We walked down Michigan Avenue to the Art Institute and soaked in its impressive Impressionist Collection. David and I may be the only people who were disappointed in the Musee D'Orsay in Paris; its collection is simply not comparable to that at the Chicago Art Institute. I could look at a Renoir painting for hours; his paintings are so alive and evocative, and they make me happy.

The last day of our trip we took Lori's dog for a walk... from a distance we saw what looked like a dad with an Asian daughter. I blinked my eyes and looked again. Was I seeing things? Or were all dark-haired kids starting to look Asian to me? Nope, I had seen exactly what I thought I'd seen, a dad and his Chinese daughter out for a stroll. Her name was Hannah and she came home in April... she was absolutely precious.

Someday, we told ourselves afterwards. Someday that will be us.

When? asks a little voice in my head, growing louder. WHEN???? WHEN??

That little voice is good at asking questions but it's horribly silent when it comes to answers!

Congratulations, Ariel!

Ariel performed in six shows of Fiddler On The Roof over the course of four days. She did two shows a day on the weekend (just like Broadway!). We are so proud of her dedication and great attitude. Ariel, you were a wonderful "Hodel" (the pretty middle daughter who runs off to Siberia with the guy from Starsky & Hutch)... Our friends Marty, Andy and his mom "Shirl the Girl" joined in the celebration after the final show. Good times!!!

12 Step Program

Hello, my name is Nina and I am addicted to the Rumor Queen Website.

I admit that I am powerless over this website. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and admitted to my Higher Power, to myself and to others that I do not have the ability to stay away from the site, although I know it is bad for me (especially when I read that the wait may extend to t-t-t-three years).

I know I have harmed my friends and family by fretting incessantly over the rumors I find on the RQ Site. I am willing to make amends to them all (and I'll get right on that, just after I check the site again for the 100th time this week... er, today).

We're six months into the wait. Or as I prefer to put it, we're in our seventh month! Total regression time in terms of this countdown. Remember being a little kid and insisting, "I'm not six years old - I'm six and a quarter!" Yes, that extra quarter (or in our case, two days) make all the difference in the world.

A more adult voice in my head says, "Yes, but are we halfway into the wait? Or a quarter of the way into the wait? Or...." (in a dark, highly doubtful tone, naturally)

And then I clap my hands over my ears, stick out my tongue and shout, "Shut up!"

Yin & Yang

This week has been about finding balance. Some of my states of mind over the past several days: happiness for all the families who received their referrals and now have seen their babies... dejection because the wait seems interminable and the idea of welcoming a new daughter into our lives seemed like a mirage in the desert of my imagination (okay, the worst, most dreadful metaphor ever but somehow it captures my feelings of desperation and deprivation).

In other words this week was the best of times and the worst of times (apologies to Charles Dickens). I figured I'd either take to my bed like some Victorian heroine and pull the covers over my head for the next 8/12/18 months or find some way to reconcile these feelings. I began to reflect on the idea of balance between opposite feelings.

So here (courtesy of Wikepedia) is some information on yin and yang, the Chinese philosophy of balance in the universe:

Yin and yang are opposites. Everything has its opposite—although this is never absolute, only relative. No one thing is completely yin or completely yang. Each contains the seed of its opposite. For example, winter can turn into summer; "what goes up must come down".

Yin and yang are interdependent. One cannot exist without the other. For example, day cannot exist without night. Light cannot exist without darkness.

Yin and yang are usually held in balance—as one increases, the other decreases.

Yin and yang can transform into one another. At a particular stage, yin can transform into yang and vice versa. For example, night changes into day; warmth cools; life changes to death. However this transformation is relative too. Night and day coexist on Earth at the same time when shown from space.

Part of yin is in yang and part of yang is in yin. The dots in each serve as a reminder that there are always traces of one in the other. For example, there is always light within the dark (e.g., the stars at night); these qualities are never completely one or the other.