DISCLAIMER: THIS IS MY PERSONAL OPINION. DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY A DISCUSSION OF GENDER PREFERENCES!
Congratulations again to all the families who received a referral this week!! That said, this referral cycle has created a whole new area of fear and worry for me (as if it's not enough to worry about getting through the review room, or to obsess about the wait). The new worry has to do with the relatively high number of boy referrals, some of whom went to families who expressly asked only for a girl.
Here's where the politically incorrect thing comes in. I posted a question on the Rumor Queen's site asking what happens if you get a boy referral and turn it down. Someone wrote in saying she was "shocked" (shocked, I tell you!) that I or anybody else could even imagine turning down a referral, suggesting that I should take what was given to me and be grateful.
Okay, here's the thing: I want another daughter. I want a girl and only a girl. I do not want a boy, for various reasons that I won't go into right now and really aren't relevent. To be honest, I was actually worried about having a boy when I was pregnant last summer, as horrible as that may sound. I like girls. I "get" girls. I adore girls (this is the same thing my friend B. said to her parents when she came out to them but that's a whole other story...). I truly ONLY want a girl and I'm now worried that we'll get a boy.
It does not escape me that my preference for a girl is ironic in the face of the Chinese preference for boys, cultural factors notwithstanding.
I truly and absolutely have my heart set on another daughter. David and I both feel strongly about adding a girl to our family. I don't think I could accept a referral for a boy. That's how strongly I feel about this issue. Are we alone in this? Anyone else feel this way?
12 comments:
You certainly ARE entitled to your feelings on this. As you have experienced, not everyone will agree.
I have to admit, I would FLIP (at first) if referred a little boy. I am only mentally/ emotionally set and prepared for a little girl. It has always been my dream. But, for me, I know the shock would fade and I would love a son every bit as much. I'm planning on a little sister anyway...so round 2 would bring me my daughter. I figure,being single, a surprise boy is less likely but not impossible.
That is MY situation and feelings on it and you are certainly entitled to yours! We all know what we can handle. I see it all the time in my practice with pregnant women and things that would have 'shocked' me years ago do not even raise my eyebrow now. Experience has shown me the wide variety of personalities and, personally, I am more comfortable caring for people who KNOW themselves.
We were thrown for a loop on that as well. Aly and I did not enter into this adoption process with a "whatever will be, will be" attitude. This ranks up there with the most important joint decision we have ever made together. We are adopting a daughter. We didn't just stumble into that decision. If folks have a problem with our thinking, fine, we're the ones adopting and raising our child.
We discussed this last night and we decided that if presented with a boy we would respectfully decline and once more request our referral for a daughter just as we did on the original application. Nothing against boys! We just want our daughter.
Again, if that shocks and insults some. So be it. We each make our own choices. We have made ours and we are at peace with it.
Out of curiousity, does anyone know just how many "surprise" boys were actually referred to those who specifically requested only daughters?
fm
ps:I'd love to hear Johnny's take on this...
I'm right there with you, especially, since that's all I'm sending ya'll is girlie stuff - better be a girl, has to be a girl, will be a girl - girl power -I know been liv'in CA too long... xoxo
I understand! My heart is ready for a daughter that I've dreamed of all my life.
I applaud you for being honest with your feelings and for allowing comments. I think this is an interesting topic because some families do receive sons when expecting daughters. I have 2 sons and we choose China because we want to add a daughter to our family but I know I would not turn the referral down if it was a boy. I think I would be disapointed but I guess it would be fate that I am suppose to be a mother to 3 sons! I really hope that the odds play out for you and you are referred a daughter but I will say that I would not be the same person today without the experience of mothering my sons!
Hi,
I just wanted to add that I total feel your concern. I/we also only want a daughter. We already have 3 sons and 2 daughters and I know from experience that I am a "girls" kind of mother. Thats not to say that I didn't enjoy my son and my step-sons. I just totally relate to my daughters better and we would also be inclined to respectfully decline a referral of a son and prayerfully wait to receive another daughter.
You are not alone. I would do the same, but I am not worried about it at all.
Were these 'surprise' boy referrals because the families assumed they would be referred a girl and never specified gender? Or, did they request a girl and get referred a boy?
Wow, not sure how I'd feel, but I'd probably accept the referral - not saying it's wrong to do otherwise though.
We requested a girl over the age of 15 months and we were referred a 7.5 month old girl. I have to be honest, it took me a few days to digest the fact that she was so young. I had my heart set on a toddler, we wanted the kids closer in age & I wasn't interested in doing the 'baby' thing again. However, I wouldn't change a thing now.
Hope you get your girl.
We have 5 boys and requested a girl....although boys are less moody,can generally be ready in less than 15 min out the door and so funny to raise as well as girls....I pray we all get our girls though.
I am right there with you. I currently have twins. A boy and a girl. I had 5 brothers growing up, no sisters. I really would like my daughter to have a sister. I will turn down a boy referrel. I have been dreaming of a girl...
To answer somebody else's question: My agency received 5 boy referrels. Some asked for either. Some did not specify anything, and atleast one specified a girl (even had photos of a pink nursery with a girl's name on the wall). They were SHOCKED (and saddened for a while), but I believe they accepted the referrel.
I have read that China considers it an honor to refer a boy. I have also read (not sure where) that they are most likely to give a boy to a family that does not have one. Part of the mentality I guess. In all of the cases I have heard of, the boys were referred to childless couples.
To each his own, but I am waiting for my daughter. Best wishes to you all.
-Akina
I want a girl as well. And not just any girl...I want my daughter from China. We had much the same discussion on my July 05 DTC list...I don't know if I explained myself very well, but I was one of the few who was adamant that I wanted my daughter. Nothing against boys. I adore my little brother. But I don't want a boy. I also do not want a biological daughter, a domestic adoption of a daughter or a daughter from Guatemala. For me, its not about just being a parent. Its about being a parent to my daughter who is in China. If that didn't work out for some reason, I'd really have to seriously reevaluate things, but at this point, I have no interest in any other child. I think it would be horribly unfair and selfish of me to accept the referral of a child I wasn't completely excited about parenting. Its kind of weird feeling thing I'm a bit on the 'radical fringe' with this whole "only a girl" thing! Glad to know I'm not totally alone!
You are far from being alone in this feeling...
"When prospective adoptive parents consider adoption for the first time, most often they first envision adopting a baby girl. Indeed, when given an option, up to 80% of those seeking to adopt will ask for a girl. Adoption is a very personal decision for every adoptive family. However, the end result of our decisions may be that boys, even baby boys, wait in orphanages for long periods of time for their forever family."
from:
http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/boys/index.htm
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