We've been tagged!

In the nearly three years that we've been on this journey, we've had the pleasure of meeting (in cyberspace) some wonderful people.  Ford & Alyson are among our favorite people who we have never met in person.  Their LID is 1/27/06 and my fingers are crossed that they'll get their referral this week!!   Oh, the suspense!  In the meantime, Ford & Alyson tagged us with the following challenge:

Write a six word memoir.  

Yikes.

It's so much easier to write a whole novel than it is to sum up a life in a mere six words.   Okay, slight hyperbole, there.  After giving this challenge a great deal of thought, I decided to... um, cheat. 

Instead of writing a memoir, I'm going to sum up my life philosophy, which has carried me through my life and is thus applicable to this challenge (if you say it with conviction, it's true, right?).  So... drum roll.  Here's my six word memoir/philosophy of life:

LIVE, DO NOT MERELY EXIST.  ALWAYS!

And now, in the tradition of all internet tagging, I pass the baton to five more people:

Di & Dave are waiting for Sophie.

Kris is waiting for Macy!

Ellen is waiting for Flora.

Connie is waiting for Jadyn.

Beth & Mok just got their referral for twins at The China Expedition.

Baby furniture!

There's a room in our house that we've been calling "the nursery".  Recently that room has been painted and reconfigured, with new floor moldings installed, all in preparation for a new occupant.  Today for the first time I called the nursery "Kavanna's room" and realized that she's really coming into focus for us...  we don't know what she looks like, but she's definitely becoming more real.  After nearly three years of waiting for "our baby in China" we are getting very close to bringing Kavanna home.   She  is vivid in our hearts!

An empty room will simply not do.  We took the plunge and ordered these pieces.  I liked that they are classic yet stylish.  

I can't wait to take a photo of Kavanna in that crib.  

Kavanna, your room awaits (even though the crib will be in our room, of course!)

The call before the call...

Our agency called today and asked about our contact information - as in, which number should they call with our referral.  We don't expect our referral in August.  Maybe they are really prepared and getting ready far ahead of time.  Or maybe they think there's more than a microscopic chance that we'll sneak into July.    

Wow.   

Update:  our agency confirmed that they want the information "just in case" we get a referral in the July batch.  They think it will probably be August for us but they also said "you never know" and that's why they want our information now rather than later.  

A unique crib

I really love this crib. One option is to have a chalkboard on the end, so kids can be creative and draw with chalk... It also converts to a toddler bed. It comes in a variety of colors and wood finishes.

Nice crib, right? Apparently lots of people thought so, too - and the demand was so good that the company had to find a new place to produce more cribs, which they are still in the process of doing, so that the crib is currently unavailable. It's called the Lullaboo crib by Celery.

Basically, if you want this crib you have to go on a waiting list. And after nearly three years of waiting for Kavanna, I am done with waiting.

My search for a perfect (and available) crib continues...

Middle School Graduation!!

Doesn't Ariel look quite thrilled to be graduating from 8th grade?  Congratulations, Ariel!

I am so proud of Ariel.  Not only did she graduate with honors, she showed herself to be an honorable person during her time at middle school.  For her elective, she could have chosen chorus or band or art or something like that.  She chose to be an aide in the special needs class.  On graduation day, many of the special needs kids came over to her to congratulate her.  They clearly love her and she loves them back.  I am so proud of the lovely, generous person she is! 

Funny 8th Grade Graduation Story:  Okay, it's funny now, but at the time it was the worst day of my life.  It was a week before I graduated from the eighth grade.  I, who have always been blessed with perfect skin (thank you, Mom & Dad for good genetics) got a raging case of poison oak... on my FACE.  I looked like pizza face.  I looked as if I had the worst case of acne that anyone had ever had in the history of hormones.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I had to wear my bat mitzvah dress.  It was long, ivory with small flowers, an empire waist.   The popular girls wore short, sexy little dresses and high heels (no graduation gowns for anyone). 

I felt like I'd stepped out of Little House On The Prairie and they were from Sex & The City.   When you're 13, as I was, those two things together equal disaster.  Thank God there is life after middle school!  And high school, for that matter!

Congratulations again, Ariel!

 

Starting to decorate...

Check out this vintage poster from Shanghai circa 1930. We bought it online and are framing it for Kavanna's room. We decided not to go too cutesy on the decor, so this was perfect!

Happy Father's Day

My husband David is an amazing dad to Ariel... and I know he'll be an amazing dad to Kavanna. He makes Ariel a priority, helps her with her homework, sets her straight if she's off course, but in a way that makes her feel competent rather than diminished, and is always there to listen.   He often says that Ariel is the joy of his life.  Seeing their close bond is what made me decide to go ahead with an adoption.  Their relationship is proof that love transcends biology... Happy Father's Day, David!!

It's 2am and your baby is crying...

... How far will you walk to get to your baby?  My answer to that is, "I won't walk at all.  I'll reach."

Our master bedroom is so far from the kids rooms that it might as well be on another planet.  While this is ideal when one of those children is 14 years old, it's not so good when the other child is a baby.  I can't imagine Kavanna being farther than arm's reach during the night.  Ariel slept next to me and I truly believe it was a contributing factor to her sense of security and her confidence in general.  

My only question is how long she should sleep next to us instead of in her room.  I have no experience in that matter, as Ariel basically slept with me until I met David.  When she was... 

CRINGE  ....uh, she slept with me until she was... WINCE... eight years old and I made her (finally) sleep in her own bed in her own room.  

I know, I know!!  So wrong!  I can't believe I put that information out into cyberspace for all to see, but there it is.  She had her own room with her own extremely comfortable bed, but she would not sleep in it.   Obviously we're not going to repeat that particular dynamic.   

These really cute co-sleepers are only for babies up to 9 months, so we'll probably have Kavanna's crib in the room with us.   It's all about proximity.  I want her within arm's reach.

At least, that's what I'm saying now.  Check back with me when she's home and we'll see what works best for her.

Co-Sleeping Facts

What is co-sleeping?

Co-sleeping is a term commonly used to describe the act of sleeping with one's own baby in the same bed.

What are the benefits of co-sleeping?

Co-sleeping provides: Easy access to baby; Enhancement of the natural bonding process;More comfortable and efficient caregiving such as; breast feeding, soothing, comforting, diaper changing etc. than can be accomplished if the baby slept in a separate bed or bedroom.

What is the relationship between co-sleeping and S.I.D.S.?

Cultures where parents commonly co-sleep with their babies have the lowest rate of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, S.I.D.S., in the world, while cultures where parents do not commonly sleep with their babies have the highest rate of S.I.D.S.. Current studies are starting to draw a correlation between S.I.D.S. and babies who sleep in rooms by themselves. The evidence suggests that some infants may fall into abnormally deep sleep and "forget to breath". With a baby at arm's reach, parents are easily alerted to abnormal breathing or other signals of distress, that may be missed if the baby were in a separate room.

What are the possible drawbacks of co-sleeping? Can it be dangerous?

There are two common criticisms of co-sleeping. First, there is a fear that a parent might roll over on the infant causing harm. Second, some parents wonder if co-sleeping might spoil the baby. These criticisms are easy to counter. Co-sleeping can be accomplished by having a baby sleep in a bed that attaches to the parent's bed in such a way as to allow parental access while preventing the baby from rolling out and into the parent's bed. The Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper(R) bassinet is a product that accomplishes this goal. See the Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper(R) FAQ for more information.

In regards to spoiling a baby, there is no evidence that co-sleeping with a baby results in a spoiled child.

What the experts are saying:

"Besides enhancing bonding between parents and their baby, the Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper® provides night-time security that benefits a growing baby's emotional development," says Doctor William Sears, Associate Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at the University of California, Irvine, School of Medicine and author of over one dozen guides including The Baby Book. "Sleeping g close to their infant allows parents to make up for missed touch time during the day and to reconnect with their baby at night."

Doctor James J. McKenna, Ph.D. Professor of Biological Anthropology and Director of the Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory University of Notre Dame, agrees. "I believe that [Arm's Reach has] created an important way of making it possible for babies to receive the kind of nighttime care we all take for granted as being needed for babies during the night."

Regardless of the medical benefits, simply having your baby close can provide a sense of comfort and closeness to both parents and baby. With busy schedules and lives connecting with our children on a daily basis can be difficult. The Arm's Reach line of products greatly eases the emotional and physical burdens of child care by bringing you closer together... not to mention keep your feet warm on cold winter nights when you don't have to walk down the hall to reassure a crying baby!

Benefits:

    * A better start in life for mother and baby. Early bonding makes for a secure beginning.

    * If the child(ren) is/are restless, the mother can simply reach over and comfort them. Research confirms benefits of a quick response to a baby's needs.

    * Mother can enjoy more rest because she can reach her baby from her bed.

    * From the first day home mother and baby are able to bond and this bond carries through for the rest of their lives.

All these benefits also apply to DADDIES, I might add!!

How cute is this diaper bag?

                                                                                    

So I saw this diaper bag and had to have it.  It's from a line called "Not Rational" named because the designer's therapist kept telling her that, "Feelings are not rational."   And hey, it's a now a source of retail therapy.  What symmetry!

It also doesn't look like a diaper bag (not cutesy) and it will convert to a great bag for business and stuff like that.

There.  I have justified this purchase.  Seriously, how cute is this bag?

...Cause the countdown has begun!! The CCAA referred a whopping ten days of referrals (I read they haven't done that in 15 months) which means they have referred through January 22, 2006. Yeah, the number of referrals is about the same but it sure feels like we're making more progress. Due to Chinese New Year virtually nobody was logged in between January 28 and February 6. Which means.... there are only five more days of LIDs ahead of us and we're more than likely going to get our referral in August!!

August. Two months from now. Suddenly we can see the finish line ahead of us after a seemingly interminable wait. Yesterday was our 28 month LID "anniversary". Somehow "28 months" sound shorter than "two years and four months".

We're finally putting together the nursery... we have to do a second home study (for our third I-171H)... but we are getting there!!!!!

The end of the tunnel is in sight. I can hardly believe it.

I am so excited. And slightly terrified.

I remember being in labor with Ariel and being driven to the hospital before I gave birth (a long 36 hours later) and I was absolutely ecstatic that I was about to see my daughter's face for the first time, and completely petrified about what would happen next. Would I know what to do with her? Would I be attuned to her? Would I be able to distinguish her hungry cry from her angry cry? Would I ever sleep again? Would I love her? Would I resent her? Would my life ever be the same again? Would I want it to be? Did the people at the hospital know they would be entrusting an infant to the care of someone who was clueless about babies? What did it mean to be a mommy?

Fourteen years later, the best fourteen years of my life because I have shared them with my amazing daughter, I am feeling the same mix of anticipation and fear... but this time I have a husband by my side, who is my b'sherit, the love of my life, and I have the knowledge that motherhood is a wild, unpredictable and utterly wonderful ride. I can't wait to start again with Kavanna.

Censorship

I am extremely grateful for the Rumor Queen site for the information and connections I find there. However, this week I found a disturbing trend, which was that moderators who personally objected to certain comments and/or lines of discussion were locking the threads.  One person wondered how the earthquake would affect international adoption.  In response, she was vilified and excoriated for simply posing the question, as if only a self-serving terrible person would dare to wonder how the earthquake might personally impact her.  I posted the following response, which I would like to share with anybody who cares to read it; shortly after my post, the moderator locked the thread.  The RQ royalty may be at times totalitarian, but the internet renders us a democracy and gives everyone a voice.   Here is mine:

Re: The impact of the earthquake on IA???

« Reply #38 on: May 15, 2008, 10:59:57 AM »

I may be missing something, but I didn't read any posts in which the writers hoped to somehow benefit from this tragic earthquake; rather, I extrapolated a realistic fear that the process would further slow down and thus directly impact all of us waiting parents.  What I'd like to suggest is that it is possible to both be horrified and saddened by the events taking place in China (and other parts of the world, for that matter) AND to wonder how this might affect the IA process.  

There seems to be a sense that wondering how the events of this week will impact us PAPs is unseemly and indicative of a moral transgression.  Yet, how can we not wonder how it will impact us?  In all likelihood it will impact us in some way and I think it's okay to have a forum in which we explore that question without fear of being vilified for this very human concern.  Again, wondering how the earthquake will affect our wait does not - to me - nullify any other feelings and thoughts of concern and compassion we have towards those people suffering in China. 

Speaking from my own experience, I watch the coverage and weep... as I have since Monday.  The devastation and destruction of lives is unimaginable and horrific.   My eyes are filling with tears as I write these words.

I also wonder about my daughter, where she is, and what she experienced.  Our LID is 2/06/06, so I believe she's been born.  When my bio daughter was two weeks old, the L.A. earthquake hit.  I was nursing her at the time and somehow I got to the doorway as the house rumbled and swayed and all I could think of was how I could protect her when the house collapsed (it didin't).  It's  painful to think of all the babies and children in China who didn't have someone holding them in comforting arms as the world shook.

Then I wonder if the process will slow down, and if so, if so many children who could go to loving homes will have to wait in orphanages.

And yes, I wonder how much longer the wait will be for me and for those after me. 

I hold all of these thoughts and feelings.  Concern for the wait does not outweigh or mitigate my concern for the Chinese people in this terrible time.  One does not cancel out the other.   I do not believe that my thoughts are illegitimate because I don't actually have a referral yet. 

This forum is supposed to be a safe place for us to express our concerns and feelings without condemnation.  Let's keep it that way.

HOW TO HELP

If you would like to contribute to the relief efforts in China, here are some ways to do so:

GREAT WALL CHINA ADOPTION has started a relief fund for the orphanages in the Sichuan and Chongqing provinces.  These orphanages were directly affected by the earthquake (no word on how they have been affected or the welfare of the kids, just that the orphanages have been impacted).  Here is the link to the relief fund information:

 http://www.gwca.org/donate/earthquake-relief-fund/GW Donation Form.doc 

THE RED CROSS CHINA is currently accepting donations for the earthquake relief fund.  Here is the link: 

Red Cross Society of China website: www.redcross.org.cn 

LOVE WITHOUT BOUNDARIES is also starting a relief fund.  Here's the link:

https://www.lovewithoutboundaries.com/donate.cfm?category=147&child_id=0

Alternatively, go to the LWB website and you'll be directed to the link for earthquake relief:  www.lovewithoutboundaries.com

An update from HALF THE SKY, which has three orphanages in the region is that the children in those three orphanages were evacuated but are fine and that the buildings did not suffer great damage.  

Our hearts go out to those in China who are suffering tonight... 

27 month LID anniversary

27 months = 1.25 years 

Or, to put it another way, 21 months longer than we expected to wait.  Sigh.

There are 15 LIDs ahead of us (January 13 - January 27th, and then there is a gap during which nobody was logged in due to Chinese New Year.  We figure we'll get our referral in August.   That is, unless the CCAA decides not to do referrals right before the Olympics.  I'm not sure what the Olympics have to do with adoption, but my logic and CCAA logic do not jibe.  For instance, why are they still accepting dossiers?  Why????

So.  There it is, 27 months and counting.  But hopefully not for too long.  :)

I feel for everybody after us and my fingers are crossed for a speed-up after the Olympics.

Soldiering... Er, Shouldering On...

This is my new diaper bag.    It's a shoulder bag... and also converts to a backpack.  It's got all kinds of very snazzy built-in pockets and other stuff, like an attached changing pad, that also detaches.  Basically, if James Bond had a diaper bag, this would be it.  This is the Aston Martin of diaper bags.

I bought it feeling defiant, as if to prove to myself that there really will be an end to this war... I mean, wait.  The last abysmal round of referrals were quite devastating and I felt quite defeated.  This very trendy (yet classic) diaper bag is my proclamation to myself that there really is an end to this wait.

And one day I'll be using this diaper bag for an actual baby (she wrote, willing it to happen).

Meanwhile my first baby is my height and wearing my clothes, which means that her wardrobe has effectively doubled and mine has diminished considerably.  What a life!

The Girl With An Apple

A touching story that seemingly has nothing to do with adoption, but it is about people finding each other across time... across continents... and against all odds, living happily ever after. In that respect, it is a story of adoption, and a story of hope and triumph. Enjoy.

The Girl With An Apple

August 1942. Piotrkow, Poland. The sky was gloomy that morning as we waited anxiously. All the men, women and children of Piotrkow's Jewish ghetto had been herded into a square. Word had gotten around that we were being moved. My father had only recently died from typhus, which had run rampant through the crowded ghetto. My greatest fear was that our family would be separated.

"Whatever you do," Isidore, my eldest brother, whispered to me, "don't tell them your age. Say you're sixteen". I was tall for a boy of 11, so I could pull it off. That way I might be deemed valuable as a worker. An SS man approached me, boots clicking against the cobblestones. He looked me up and down, then asked my age. "Sixteen," I said. He directed me to the left, where my three brothers and other healthy young men already stood.

My mother was motioned to the right with the other women, children, sick and elderly people. I whispered to Isidore, "Why?" He didn't answer. I ran to Mama's side and said I wanted to stay with her. "No," she said sternly. "Get away. Don't be a nuisance. Go with your brothers." She had never spoken so harshly before. But I understood: She was protecting me. She loved me so much that, just this once, she pretended not to. It was the last I ever saw of her.

My brothers and I were transported in a cattle car to Germany. We arrived at the Buchenwald concentration camp one night weeks later and were led into a crowded barrack. The next day, we were issued uniforms and identification numbers. "Don't call me Herman anymore." I said to my brothers. "Call me 94983."

I was put to work in the camp's crematorium, loading the dead into a hand-cranked elevator. I, too, felt dead. Hardened, I had become a number. Soon, my brothers and I were sent to Schlieben, one of Buchenwald's sub-camps near Berlin. One morning I thought I heard my mother's voice. "Son," she said softly but clearly, "I am sending you an angel." Then I woke up. Just a dream. A beautiful dream. But in this place there could be no angels. There was only work. And hunger. And fear.

A couple of days later, I was walking around the camp, around the barracks, near the barbed-wire fence where the guards could not easily see. I was alone. On the other side of the fence, I spotted someone: a young girl with light, almost luminous curls. She was half-hidden behind a birch tree. I glanced around to make sure no one saw me. I called to her softly in German.

"Do you have something to eat?" She didn't understand. I inched closer to the fence and repeated question in Polish. She stepped forward. I was thin and gaunt, with rags wrapped around my feet, but the girl looked unafraid. In her eyes, I saw life. She pulled an apple from her woolen jacket and threw it over the fence. I grabbed the fruit and, as I started to run away, I heard her say faintly, "I'll see you tomorrow."

I returned to the same spot by the fence at the same time every day. She was always there with something for me to eat - a hunk of bread or, better yet, an apple. We didn't dare speak or linger. To be caught would mean death for us both. I didn't know anything about her just a kind farm girl except that she understood Polish. What was her name? Why was she risking her life for me? Hope was in such short supply, and this girl on the other side of the fence gave me some, as nourishing in its way as the bread and apples.

Nearly seven months later, my brothers and I were crammed into a coal car and shipped to Theresienstadt camp in Czechoslovakia.. "Don't return," I told the girl that day. "We're leaving." I turned toward the barracks and didn't look back, didn't even say good-bye to the girl whose name I'd never learned, the girl with the apples.

We were in Theresienstadt for three months. The war was winding down and Allied forces were closing in, yet my fate seemed sealed. On May 10, 1945, I was scheduled to die in the gas chamber at 10:00 AM. In the quiet of dawn, I tried to prepare myself. So many times death seemed ready to claim me, but somehow I'd survived. Now, it was over. I thought of my parents. At least, I thought, we will be reunited.

At 8 A.M. there was a commotion. I heard shouts, and saw people running every which way through camp. I caught up with my brothers. Russian troops had liberated the camp! The gates swung open. Everyone was running, so I did too.

Amazingly, all of my brothers had survived; I'm not sure how. But I knew that the girl with the apples had been the key to my survival. In a place where evil seemed triumphant, one person's goodness had saved my life, had given me hope in a place where there was none. My mother had promised to send me an angel, and the angel had come.

Eventually I made my way to England where I was sponsored by a Jewish charity, put up in a hostel with other boys who had survived the Holocaust and trained in electronics. Then I came to America, where my brother Sam had already moved. I served in the U. S. Army during the Korean War, and returned to New York City after two years. By August 1957 I'd opened my own electronics repair shop. I was starting to settle in.

One day, my friend Sid who I knew from England called me. "I've got a date. She's got a Polish friend. Let's double date." A blind date? Nah, that wasn't for me. But Sid kept pestering me, and a few days later we headed up to the Bronx to pick up his date and her friend Roma. I had to admit, for a blind date this wasn't so bad. Roma was a nurse at a Bronx hospital. She was kind and smart. Beautiful, too, with swirling brown curls and green, almond-shaped eyes that sparkled with life.

The four of us drove out to Coney Island. Roma was easy to talk to, easy to be with. Turned out she was wary of blind dates too! We were both just doing our friends a favor. We took a stroll on the boardwalk, enjoying the salty Atlantic breeze, and then had dinner by the shore. I couldn't remember having a better time.

We piled back into Sid's car, Roma and I sharing the backseat. As European Jews who had survived the war, we were aware that much had been left unsaid between us. She broached the subject, "Where were you," she asked softly, "during the war?" "The camps," I said, the terrible memories still vivid, the irreparable loss. I had tried to forget. But you can never forget.

She nodded. "My family was hiding on a farm in Germany, not far from Berlin," she told me. "My father knew a priest, and he got us Aryan papers." I imagined how she must have suffered too, fear, a constant companion. And yet here we were, both survivors, in a new world.

"There was a camp next to the farm." Roma continued. "I saw a boy there and I would throw him apples every day."

What an amazing coincidence that she had helped some other boy. "What did he look like? I asked. He was tall, Skinny, and Hungry. I must have seen him every day for six months." My heart was racing. I couldn't believe it. This couldn't be. "Did he tell you one day not to come back because he was leaving Schlieben?" Roma looked at me in amazement "Yes." "That was me!" I was ready to burst with joy and awe, flooded with emotions. I couldn't believe it. My angel.

"I'm not letting you go." I said to Roma. And in the back of the car on that blind date, I proposed to her. I didn't want to wait. "You're crazy!" she said. But she invited me to meet her parents for Shabbat dinner the following week. There was so much I looked forward to learning about Roma, but the most important things I always knew: her steadfastness, her goodness. For many months, in the worst of circumstances, she had come to the fence and given me hope. Now that I'd found her again, I could never let her go.

That day, she said yes. And I kept my word. After nearly 50 years of marriage, two children and three grandchildren I have never let her go.

Herman Rosenblat Miami Beach, Florida

This is a true story and you can find out more by Googling Herman Rosenblat as he was bar mitzvahed at age 75. This story is being made into a movie called The Fence.

When?????

Holy cow, the referrals are in our year. I can't believe that the CCAA is finally making referrals for people logged in our year. Whooo-hooo! What will the next referral cycle be? I think they will get through January 10th, 2006. This is based on them doing approximately 100 dossiers a month from the RQ poll, which is what they've averaged the past several months. That brings us to January 10th.

In the land of, We Can Dream, Can't We, is the hope that now that they've gotten through all the 2005 LIDs, they will speed up and get back to referring 15 days a month. I think this is highly unlikely, but just for fun, that would put them through January 19, 2006.

Now that's just crazy talk, I know!

But to think, two years ago they were doing 60 LIDs a month.

Anybody else have a guess about referrals in April??

Ariel's enrolled in High School

The same week that we enrolled Kavanna in preschool, we attended a meeting for parents of 8th graders who are going into high school. Parents and kids filled the gym for the presentation. It went on for about an hour but I must have dissociated because I only remember a few things:

The head of the sports program told us, "We welcome your student athletes at this school. I want to stress that we call them student athletes for a reason. They are expected to keep up an academic standard. If they fall below that standard they will not be allowed to compete. We expect them to maintain a 2.0 grade point average to stay in the sports progrm."

Huh? 2.0? These students are expected to be average??? As my grandmother would doubtless have said, with a shake of her head"Oy."

The college admissions person spoke. Yes, the college admissions person. Yes. College. She said, "It's never too early to start planning for college."

College? Ariel is still in freaking eight grade!

Last, the principal spoke about the homework requirements for Honors classes, which was that students should anticipate studying a minimum of two hours per class for each honors class. Ariel will be in two honors classes. What are we going to do when we go to China?

I'm praying that a miracle happens and we get our referral in June, which means travel in August, so we can get Kavanna and be back before Ariel starts chool. Normally I'd shudder at the thought of China in August. First, it'll be smack in the middle of the Olympics, which means no trip to Beijing. Second, it's China in August, as in it's probably hotter and more humid than is bearable by humans currently residing in Southern California (and therefore spoiled).

But apparently it's never too early to plan for college and I don't want our trip to China to derail her studies. The sad thing is, I'm only being half-facetious.

So there it is. One child will be in high school in the Fall. The other will be in preschool.

There's a sitcom in there, somewhere.

Kavanna is enrolled in pre-school!

We don't know how old Kavanna is... though we think she's probably been born... and we don't know when she'll join the family (September? October?) but she's enrolled in a Montessori infant/baby program. Apparently there's a lottery to assure admittance but the directors of the school were really touched by our story and have promised Kavanna a slot whenever she arrives. So, Kavanna is registered for preschool!

We are lucky enough to have flexibility in our schedules. As a psychotherapist in private practice I'm able to set my own schedule and David works from home one day a week. Still, we think Kavanna will benefit from going to a part-time program at Montessori, especially if she is coming from an orphanage and accustomed to having lots of other kids around.

It feels really weird to have registered in the program... but also really good, in that it makes Kavanna more of a reality than the fantasy she's been for over 2.5 years.

2 YEAR LID ANNIVERSARY

February 6, 2006 - February 6, 2008

This week we "celebrate" our two year LID anniversary. I sure never saw this coming. Sometimes I reflect on what we've been told through these (yikes) years:

"The wait is six months and very stable."
"The wait is increasing but we expect it to stabilize at 12 months."
"The wait may go to 18 months."
"The CCAA says a 24 month wait is unacceptable."

I think about what people have said:

"Why don't you adopt domestically?"
"Why do you want a Chinese baby?"
"Why have you been waiting so long?"
"What's wrong with your agency?"
"Are you still adopting?"

Lately, what people don't say is more striking. They have completely stopped asking or commenting, as if this adoption is not real or has somehow vaporized, like an idea that never came to fruition.

Through the experience of The Wait, I have learned to be much more patient. I wrote here, maybe two years ago or more, that my motto used to be "I want patience and I want it NOW." This process has been exhilarating, frustrating, upsetting and bewildering. But we're still here and we're not giving up. No matter how long it takes, we will bring Kavanna home!

Scary

David (who is okay) got in a serious car accident last week. It was pouring rain and he was driving home on the freeway. A driver in the fast lane lost control of his truck and crashed into David's car. They careened and spun across three lanes before crashing into the guard rail. Miraculously, as this was a Los Angeles freeway that's always busy, the cars in the other lanes were able to get out of the way, so nobody else was involved in the accident. David's car was smashed on both sides but he was fine. The truck driver and his wife also walked away, shaken, but safe. The truck driver was horrified and weeping. He kept saying, "I could have killed you. We could have all been killed."

David drives a Lexus and I honestly think it saved his life, as it's such a strong, safe vehicle. Had he been in a compact car or a less sturdy vehicle, he would probably not have made it home that day.

Please drive carefully, everybody, and be safe.

I am sick...

I am sick... in the literal sense, as in "I need chicken soup" kind of sniffling, coughing up a lung, being too stuffed up to sleep, looking at the world through red watery eyes kind of sick. Ugh.

I am sick... of waiting. Our agency updated the family portion of their site today and said that 2009 (yes, 0-NINE) will be a good year. Yes, we are only nine days into 2008 but apparently things won't pick up for another year. Meaning that the wait will continue to lengthen and we may be lucky to go to China this year.

I am sick... of the uncertainty. We chose China because we really wanted another girl and we wanted a baby girl The wait at that time was six months and had been for some time. The average age referred was around 11-12 months. We qualified for AYAP. First the wait changed, then there were more boys referred, and now toddlers are being referred to people who qualify (and requested) a baby. Suddenly I have to worry about being referred a toddler boy!!

I want to get into bed and pull the covers over my head. Wake me up when it's time to go to China. Blech.

Your Inner Color is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What's Your Inner Color?

I borrowed this from Di & Dave's blog for Sophie (www.sophieonmymind.blogspot.com). For some reason my link option wasn't working. Anyway, it was incredibly accurate (I am a psychotherapist and LOVE my husband!) so I had to share!

Predictions 2008

And the winner of the Presidential election will be.....

No, I'm not making THOSE kinds of predictions! Although if my friend Nancy has anything to do with it, her great friend from her days at Harvard Law and Law Review will be our next President... she was with Barack in Chicago when he announced his candidacy and has campaigned tirelessly for him all year. No matter where your loyalties lie, it's wonderful to see people who are true believers out there working hard for what they believe in and making sacrifices for something bigger than themselves, the future of our country! I'm proud of my friend Nancy!

Now, onto the predictions for referrals 2008:

The CCAA has referred an average of 100 RQ families per month so I'm basing this on the latest RQ poll.

REFERRAL
MONTH LID DATE
January - December 19, 2005 (60 families)
February - December 25, 2005 (132 families)
March - December 31, 2005 (101 families)
April - January 6, 2006 (101 families)
And here's where I have a good case and a bad case scenario
May - January 12, 2006 (131 families) or January 11, 2006 (77)
June - January 19, 2006 (105) or January 15, 2006 (93)
July - January 26, 2006 (114) or January 23, 2006 (111)
August - February 6, 2006 (99) or February 5, 2006 (92)
September - February 12th + (84+) or February 11, 2006 (104)

As yucky as these predictions are, hopefully they are realistic. What happened to the CCAA promising they would start referring 15 day batches? Oh yeah, the same thing that happened when they promised a 12 month wait time and said 24 months was unacceptable...

My hopes for a May or June referral have been dashed. I now think it'll be either August or September. That means our third homestudy. Our social worker is practically a member of the family at this point!

When???

If things continue to go as they have been (and that's a big "if") I am anticipating a June referral. Best case scenario, there's a bit of a speed-up and we get our referral in May. Anything else... well, it's too ghastly to contemplate. Our LID is 2/06/06. When do you think we'll get our referral??

 When???? When will our referral arrive?

• 
  
  May 2008


• 
  
  June 2008


• 
  
  July 2008


• 
  
  August 2008


• 
  
  I don't want to go there

view results
Free vote poll

FCC Waiting Families Event

Sunday we attended a get-together organized by our local FCC. Ariel has absconded with the camera so I can't post photos yet, but this approximates the golden pig piggybank that everyone got as gifts :). The event was really nice and it's so meaningful to connect with other people who truly can relate to the agony of this long wait (did I say "long"? I meant, interminable). We saw some friends we met at the LA Waiting Parents dim sum brunch and met some new people, too. Jeri and Susan of the FCC did a tremendous job that was much appreciated!

LID Anniversary (12/06)

Last Thursday was our 22 month LID anniversary. I was so underwhelmed by this event that I could not post anything. Also, I was busy being happy for the people who got their referrals.

Okay, truth. I was happy to hear about referrals, but yes, I admit it, I was also feeling jealous and envious of the parents who got their referrals. I then felt terrible for experiencing that kind of envy. Of course, I spend my professional life assuring people that feelings are not to be judged and to respect and understand their feelings, so I know my reaction was part of being human. Still, it seems wrong to be so downright jealous of other people's happiness. What kind of a monstrous bitch am I??

I guess I'm someone who's been paper pregant for 22 frickin' months.

Will we ever get our referral? We're in a perennial state of being 10 months away. ARGHHHH.

Present Time!

Ariel is very happy with her Chanukah gift, a red iPod Nano. She likes that part of the proceeds of the red Nano go to AIDS research. Look at that smile!

Seven more days of Chanukah remain... which means seven more gifts. No wonder she's smiling.

Happy Chanukah or... Hannukah... or...

Tuesday December 4th is the first night of Chanuka. We hope that by next year, we'll have Kavannah with us to celebrate this holiday. For those of you who don't know what it's all about, here's the story:

SHORT VERSION: They tried to kill us. We fought. We won. Let's eat.

(this version applies to all Jewish holidays without exception)

LONG VERSION: About 2200 years ago, Greek kings, who reigned from Damascus, ruled over the land of Judea and the Jews living there. One king forbade the Jewish people from praying to their God, practicing their customs, and studying their Torah. He forced the Jews to worship the Greek gods. It is said that he placed an idol of the Greek God Zeus on the alter in the Holy Temple of Jerusalem.

In response to this persecution, Judah Maccabee and his four brothers organized a group of resistance fighters known as the Maccabees. They fought against paganism and oppression. The tenacity of the rebels, which came from their steadfast faith in one God, is one reason this military victory has been so celebrated by Jews in future generations.

In one battle, Judah's small army was intimidated by the size of the enemy army and Judah told them to have faith that God was on their side: But when they saw the army coming to meet them, they said unto Judah: 'What? shall we be able, being a small company, to fight against so great and strong a multitude? ...'

And Judah said: 'It is an easy thing for many to be shut up in the hands of a few, and there is no difference in the sight of Heaven to save by many or by few; for victory in battle standeth not in the multitude of an host, but strength is from Heaven. They come unto us in fullness of insolence and lawlessness, to destroy us and our wives and our children, for to spoil us; but we fight for our lives and our laws. And He Himself will discomfort them before our face; but as for you, be yet not afraid of them." (The First Book of Maccabees)

Against great odds, after three years of fighting, the Maccabees succeeded in driving the Greco-Syrians out of Judea. Hanukkah proclaims the message of the prophet Zachariah: "Not by might, not by power, but by My spirit." The Maccabees reclaimed the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. They cleaned the Temple, removing the Greek symbols and statues. When Judah and his followers finished cleaning the temple, they rededicated it. On the 25th day of the month of Kislev in 164 BCE, the Temple was purified and rededicated. According to tradition, when the Maccabees entered the Holy Temple, they discovered that the Greco-Syrians had defiled the oil which was used to Temple's menorah. Only one vat of purified oil remained - enough for only one day. It would take the Jews a week to process more purified oil. Then a miracle occurred.

The Maccabees lit the menorah and it burned for not one, but eight days, by which time the new, purified oil was ready. This is why the Hanukkah Menorah has eight candles (not including the shamash candle used to light the others) and one reason why Jews celebrate Hanukkah for eight days.

Puttin' On The Ritz

We are so bummed that when we get to Guangzhou the famous White Swan Hotel will be closed for renovations. At this point we HOPE it will be closed, since I think it reopens in late 2008 and we want to be there by Summer 2008 or... ?

But this month the Ritz Carlton is opening up its new hotel in Guangzhou!!

We won't have a "Red Couch" photo. But maybe a taupe/yellow striped couch photo?

Doesn't have the same ring, somehow. Still, it looks like a beautiful hotel.

Lost & Found

Our 21 month LID anniversary is Tuesday. Looks as if the CCAA matched through December 8, 2005. I'm happy for those families but discouraged overall. I'm losing hope (at times) that this adoption will ever happen. I'm losing patience with how long it's taking. Kavanna is somewhere in China... when, oh when, will we find her?

New York Times Article

In yesterday's New York Times magazine there was an article about the families of children adopted internationally looking for their children's birth families. One mother told of her Chinese daughter, who sent balloons up into the air towards China each year along with a message for her birthmother, assuring her that she had a good life in America. When the mother searched for her daughter's birth family, she learned first that the birth mother was dead, and the man claiming to be the father (he said he had an affair with the birth mother) failed a DNA test. The daughter was heartbroken and the mother now longs for the days when they optimistically sent balloons to China...

I have mixed feelings about the concept of finding birthparents. On the one hand I respect the need for (some) adoptees to know where they came from, to have some connection to the people to whom they are biologically connected, and even to know pragmatic things such as medical history. On the other hand, the reality of those connections can be devastatingly disappointing. I can't imagine the disappointment of people searching for birthmothers who ultimately reject them or, in one of the situations described in the article, basically just want to get money. Or to find a birth family with whom communication is difficult, not only because of language differences, but because the cultural differences are impossible to overcome.

It's a tough question. What are your thoughts?

Waiting Parents Dim Sum Extravaganza

We had the pleasure of meeting a lot of other waiting families today... and feasting on dim sum... it was great to talk to other people who are waiting, and who "get it" (unlike so many well intentioned friends, family members, co-workers, et al). A huge THANK YOU to Di and Beth for their thoughtful gifts and for organizing this wonderful event!





David and Nina at one of the two tables of waiting families. That's Di and Dave behind us.

Not a chicken claw in sight (although we were offered them and declined graciously)

Some new friends at the table... Betsy, Laura and her daughter Laina, Kathy and Dianne.

Di and Dave and Dave, who's married to Kris, who's out of camera range. Yes, any guy who wanted to sit with us had to be named David!

20 month LID anniversary

As of yesterday, October 6th, we have been in this long, interminable line for 20 months.

Grrrrrrrrr.

I'm just incredibly irritated right now. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that my six month old MacBook just crashed to the point that the service person I called at Mac had never encountered this kind of problem, and in addition my car has a flat tire.

But still... 20 months when we thought it would be six. People have stopped asking us about "the baby". I'm starting to believe it will never happen.

Famous or Infamous??

Ariel and I were having an afterschool snack at a little outdoor cafe in our neighborhood, noticing that there were lots of film crew types walking around. Turned out they were taping Kim Kardashian's reality TV show. Consider the weirdness of someone being famous and getting her own show simply for being best friends with Paris Hilton. Bizarre! Add to that the fact that Paris Hilton is famous for being...uh, rich? Obnoxious? Narcissistic? Perhaps Andy Warhol was right about that fifteen minutes of fame.

As we were pondering this, Sharon and Ozzie Ozbourne walked past and went into a nearby store. Ariel said, "Ozzie Ozbourne? Wow. He's like the most famous DRUG ADDICT that ever lived."

I reminded her that he's also a famous musician. She wasn't impressed.

We went into the store, too, ostensibly to browse but really because we wanted to see what the most famous drug addict looks like up close and personal (and people, it's not pretty). Sharon was talking to her dogs on her cell phone and telling Kim Kardashian that some of her crew members worked on their show as well.

Two days from now I'll be comparing psychoanalytic theories (classical v. relational), discussing Freud and the clinical implications of the analytic frame. The juxtaposition of my two worlds is really weird.

19 Month LID Anniversary

I just realized that last Thursday (September 6, 2007) was our 19 month LID anniversary. Also the two year anniversary of our official acceptance by GWCA. It basically slipped my mind until now.

Nineteen months. Sigh.

Why Women Need Chocolate

So the CCAA has referred four months in this past year. Sigh. An already interminable wait stretches before all waiting families. For us the prospect of a referral seems almost unreal, like a desert mirage. The closer we get, the farther we are. It's enough to make a person turn to... what else... CHOCOLATE. As a psychotherapist specializing in eating disorders I normally encourage people to process difficult feelings instead of numbing them with chocolate, but sometimes a girl's just gotta have chocolate.

Recently I discovered these amazing calcium chocolates. They taste exactly like chocolate and they have 500 mg of calcium in each bite. And since women need calcium, women need these chocolates. Yes, guilt-free chocolate actually exists!

I can imagine what you might be thinking: chocolate that's actually good for you? It's amazing, it's impossible, what's next? Zero calorie ice cream? Exercising in your sleep? The proverbial pigs with wings? The CCAA referring more than seven days at once, consistently?

Hey, if guilt-free chocolate exists, then anything is possible.

Am I crazy, or what?

I've always planned to go back to school to get a doctorate in psychoanalysis. At some point during this long wait I decided not to put my life on hold and applied. Today I found out that I was accepted into the program. Classes are only once a week, and David will work from home on the day that I'm in school so that Ariel and Kavanna (when she arrives) will always have a parent. I'll have to juggle raising a teenager and (next year) a baby with being in analysis four times a week (the mainstay of psychoanalysis) and my private practice, but I can do it!!

I admit to feelings of guilt about this decision. I've waited so long for Kavanna. Shouldn't I drop everything and be her mom 24 hours a day, which I did for Ariel? Or can I be a different kind of mom? The difference between raising Ariel and raising Kavanna is David, who will be there, and wants to be there, and is is a true partner as a parent.

Do I sound as if I'm trying to talk myself into something? Maybe.

Can women have it all? Can men? I'd like to think so. You tell me: am I crazy, or what?

A new life for Ying!

Several weeks ago this baby, Ying, needed two surgeries before she had even a hope of leading a normal life. I'm thrilled to report that Ying's first surgery was successful and she does not need a second surgery!! She is going to grow up to be healthy (and she's clearly already happy).

Look at how cute she is! A huge THANKS to everyone who helped make this possible.

If you'd like to help other babies and children like Ying, please check out the Love Without Boundaries website. Even a donation of $10 a month can make a difference!

18 month LID anniversary

This is a dove of peace, which is Rosie's idea... I love the idea of spreading the spirit of peace around the world!

Yes, it's been eighteen months since we were logged in, and 24 months since the day we contacted Great Wall China Adoption agency. Time flies when you're.... um, waiting?

In Judaism, the number 18 signifies "chai" or "life", so today we're celebrating and cherishing the lives we have, and looking forward to the life that will be coming into our hearts next year.

(next year, yeah!!)

I want to thank everyone who posted their support and understanding for the loss of our dog Roy. I don't know how to express this without sounding trite, but your words and sentiments were so meaningful to me (and us) and so healing. Thank you so very much for helping our family through this difficult time!

Goodbye, old friend...

Roy came into our lives unexpectedly. Eleven years ago Ariel and I went to the mall, where there happened to be a dog adoption event hosted by the local pound. All the dogs were getting tons of attention... all but one, a skinny, trembling Shephard/Lab mix named (by the people at the shelter) Elroy. If he did not get adopted that day, he was headed for puppy heaven the next. It didn't look good. He was a street dog who'd been attacked by other dogs, and by life. His ear had been torn in half. Huge patches of fur were missing. He smelled terrible.

Ariel headed straight for him. She was two years old and she knew what she wanted. She wanted Roy. I had not expected to bring another dog into our home... but I did.

And so he came into our lives and we grew to love this shy, anxious, and incredibly sweet soul. His boundless energy gave way to a slower pace. He loved to lie on plush, soft spaces. He echewed the back yard. I think he had enough of the outdoors while he was living on the streets. He loved to lie on the couch and rest. He followed us wherever we went, a faithful furry shadow.

In the last couple of years he slowed down. He lost 20 lbs. He developed a limp. He could no longer jump onto the couch. He's been on all kinds of medications, none of which slowed his decline. He grew confused. He peed on a guest and seemed oblivious to what he was doing. There were times when I was really frustrated with him, which made me feel really guilty. On Monday he could no longer get up or walk, so we knew it was time to let him go.

I have never had to put a dog to sleep and it was a terrible experience. David, Ariel and I petted him and I kissed his head. We said goodbye as the vet injected the medication and cried as Roy took his last breaths.

I miss the clatter of his paws on our wood floors. I miss his constant presence, his soulful gaze. The silence in our house is deafening.

Au revoir, Roy.

How Cute Are These Outfits??

My friend Di is making good use of her time during The Wait. She's designing and creating these adorable and unique baby clothes. They are so unique and adorable. I can't wait to see Kavanna wearing a Di (as opposed to Dior) original. Check out more of her creations here. You can also visit her blog and say hello!

Phone Home In Style (from China or anywhere)

So the day has finally come for me to get internet access on the go. I went to look at Blackberrys, which seem way to complicated. The screen is kind of small and hard to read. The keyboard is small and weird. So we left T-Mobile and went to the Apple store to check out the new iPhones.

(sound of heavens parting and angels singing)

This phone is so amazing it (almost) defies description. I'm not usually into gadgets or high-tech anything. In fact, I'm a little bit of an analog person in a digital world.

Until now. I love this phone. Seriously.

I covet this phone. I'm sure a new, even better model is going to come out in a few months, and then I shall have it!! If you haven't seen an actual iPhone yet, go into your local Apple store and see for yourself.

And no, I do not own Apple stock, nor do I work for Apple. I'm just a sucker for ... er, consumer of... new and amazing technology.

Seventeen Month LID Anniversary

No matter how long we wait, we seem to be stuck in this weird Groundhog Day-like existence where our referral is always about a year away. Today I'm in a slightly optimistic mood and I'm predicting a possible referral as early as March or as late as June. Perhaps we've broken the spell?

Congratulations to all the parents who are getting to see the faces of their children. I love Referral Time!!

Where Is Ariel?? She's Home!!!!!

Scooters in Italy are what bicycles are in China!




Swinging on a park in Italy. A Ferrari tire, perhaps?






"Ahhh, the gelato was so good I had to sit down!"














How cute! (And those Smart Cars are cute, too!)